How to Discipline a Toddler Without Breaking Their Spirit
How to discipline a toddler or young child. Gosh, could this be THE thorniest topic in all of parenting? If it’s not, I daresay it’s right up there with how to handle tantrums, whining, and frustration.
Disciplining our kids feels so high stakes. We want to set them on the right track and correct unwanted, unproductive, and harmful behavior, but we also don’t want to break their spirit or worse and somehow traumatize them.
First, I want to offer you a little nugget that I think will help you adjust your mindset about toddler discipline.
The word “Discipline” comes from the Latin word discipulus, meaning pupil.
That's right. The origins of "discipline" are not associated with punishment or penalty but rather TEACHING and education.
(Think about it: what subject or “discipline” did you love in high school, or study in college? That’s right. You learn different disciplines in school.)
That, I hope, should take some of the pressure off when it comes to disciplining your toddler or child. Toddler discipline isn’t and shouldn’t be about punishment but rather, teaching. Light bulb moment right there.
Toddler Discipline the Wrong Way
I hate to say “wrong" way because I don’t want to alienate anybody. If you’re here, it’s because you want to learn how to effectively connect with your child and manage their behavior, and I commend you for that.
But there are definitely two modes of disciplining that I see again and again that are just downright ineffective when it comes to curbing unwanted behaviors.
1. Yelling, Threats, and Physical Punishment
Fear, it’s been said time and time again, is a terrible teacher. Yelling at, threatening, shaming, or using physical punishment to stop a child’s unwanted behavior might put an end to that behavior, but at what price?
Fear activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which controls the fight-flight-freeze response.
Your child, as a result, will either:
- Fight: she lashes out at you or someone else
- Flight: she runs away in terror and hides
- Freeze: she is stunned into silence and immobility
These are all modes of self-protection. There is no possibility for connection or correction, the keys to toddler discipline, when a child is experiencing these acute physiological states. All she can do is react in an automatic way, her body sending her signals that she needs to protect herself from this preceived threat.
2. Unrelated Consequences
Another tactic I see is the use of unrelated consequences.
Take this scenario:
- 4-year-old Jane is pushing her little brother at the playground. Mom asks her to stop, explains that pushing hurts and that she cannot push others.
- Jane continues to push her brother when he gets too close to her. Mom says, “If you push Jack again, you will not get to go to your friend Sara’s house tomorrow for a playdate as we planned.”
- Jane knocks Jack off his feet near the slide. His mother says, “That’s it, no playdate with Sara tomorrow afternoon.”
- The next day, when Mom picks Jane up from preschool, she’s sooo excited to go to Sara’s house. Sara’s mom arrives at preschool to pick up Sara. Great, everyone can leave together!
- Mom tells Jane, "No, you will not be going to Sara’s house today."
- Janes starts to hyperventilate, nearing the cusp of a meltdown.
- Mom reminds her WHY she will not be going to Sara’s house today—yesterday she was pushing little Jack at the playground.
- Jane crosses the threshold into full-on tantrum-mode, red-face and screaming.
Oi.
Why does this tactic fail as a form of "discipline"?
The first reason has to do with the toddler brain. Toddlers’ brains are still very much under construction. It’s hard for them to recall events that happened three hours before, let alone an entire day before. Toddlers and young children also get overwhelmed very, very fast. Remember that whole overstimulation thing?
The second reason this tactic failed is because the consequence was completely UNRELATED to the punishment. There was no logical connection between the unwanted action and the punishment.
For toddler “discipline” to work it needs to TEACH your child something about their behavior. In order for something to be able to teach, there needs to be a connection between input and output, outcome, cause and effect.
Enter: Related Consequences.
Related Consequences as Effective Toddler Discipline
Related Consequences, also known as Logical Consequences, are consequences that directly connect back to or relate to the undesirable behavior.
In the above scenario, a related consequence of Jane’s behavior toward her brother would have looked something like this:
Mom: "No pushing. Please stop pushing your brother."
Jane: "Why? He’s bothering me."
Mom: Gets low and makes eye contact with Jane. “I’m not going to let you push. Pushing hurts.”
Jane: Pushes brother again.
Mom: "I’ve asked you to stop and explained why. If you push him again, we’re going to leave the playground and go home."
Jane: Looks mom dead in the eye and knocks James off his feet.
Mom: "It looks like you’re having a hard time being gentle with your brother. It’s time to go home."
This is an example of a Related Consequence. Mom here shows Jane that if she does X, then Y will immediately happen, thus powerfully underscoring why X is unwanted.
It’s important for you to stay calm during all of this. Sure, you can show your disappointment, but try to keep your reaction as calm and as matter-of-fact as possible. Staying regulated yourself will help your child stay regulated and, more importantly, it will model behavior for how they can cope with big emotions in the future.
Read my posts on Mom Rage or how to Handle Toddler Tantrums if you’re struggling to manage your own emotions.
Examples of Related Consequences
Consequences are important because they help our children take responsibility when they have wronged someone or have done something “wrong.” For them to get the message or for consequences to be an effective learning tool (remember the root of the word “discipline”!), they need to be directly related to the unwanted behavior.
Related consequences are really quite simple, and a logical outcome of the behavior you want to stop. The beauty of them is that there’s no need to overcomplicate them.
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Your child is drawing all over the table with their markers.
The markers go in the cupboard and not come out again until tomorrow.
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Your child is running around chaotically while out for a walk and you’re worried they are going to run in the street.
They must hold your hand for the remainder of the walk. Better yet, you go home to get the stroller, which they will have to sit in.
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Your child won't stop jumping off the sofa.
You lead your child into another room, ideally one without a sofa, close the door and stay with him.
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Your child is on a screaming rage, demanding that he needs to watch TV.
You explain that it’s not TV time and now there won’t be TV for the rest of the day.
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Your child is being aggressive with another child at soft play.
You remove your child from the super fun setting, hold them until they calm down, then leave.
Age-Related Expectations
It’s important to remain realistic and remember that some perceived “misbehaviors” are actually developmentally appropriate, if not healthy, at a certain age.
A three-year-old having a tantrum is not necessarily misbehaving. It’s their way of struggling to cope with big feelings.
A two-year-old smearing her applesauce all over her tray is not necessarily misbehaving. Food is a very sensory experience and “playing” with food is part of their journey of learning and discovery.
Let’s also make sure we try to see the world through our child’s eyes, and take into account their developing brains. Have compassion and empathy, and be firm when the time is right.
Mama, you got this!