4 Things I Wish I’d Known About Sleep Deprivation Before Motherhood
When I was pregnant with my son, people would jokingly warn me that I’d better sleep as much as possible now, before the baby arrived.
Sorry, that’s not how it works. You can't bank hundreds of hours of sleep ahead of time. Also, who can sleep well at 24 weeks pregnant, let alone 39 weeks?
Then, after I gave birth, I was given the advice to sleep when the baby’s sleeping.
Please. As a new mother, I was too worried about my baby to sleep. Also, despite my exhaustion, I was too hyped up on stress hormones from the relentlessness of tending to a newborn’s needs to sleep. And last but not least, the only chance I had to shower, eat, or write an email was when the baby slept (unless, of course, the baby was sleeping on me — which he usually did).
Sleep deprivation among new parents is no joke. You lose hundreds of hours of sleep in your baby’s first year (around 350, to be precise). But it doesn’t stop there. According to one study, new parents experience up to six years of sleep deprivation.
I knew I was going to be super tired. I anticipated that is was going to be a struggle to accomplish simple tasks, like hanging up the laundry and going to the grocery store.
What I didn’t expect was how my sleep deprivation would cause me to feel so much anger. Fatigue completely and utterly upended my mood.
Anger and Sleep Deprivation
Apparently, I’m not alone. A large body of scientific research confirms a “connection between sleep deprivation and mood changes such as increased anger and aggression. [...] Prolonged sleep deprivation has been connected to changes in the brain such as reduced receptor sensitivity and changes in functional communication between brain regions.”
The area of the brain impacted is the amygdala — the emotional center of the brain.
Nobody mentioned this anger.
Nobody told me that sleep deprivation would...
1.) ...make me feel so out-of-control angry at times that I wouldn’t be able to see straight
The littlest things have the potential to launch you into an angry tirade. It could be dirty dishes on the counter or wet towels on the bed. Or it could be something bigger, like financial worries or conflicting opinions with your partner on an ethical topic. Maybe your toddler isn't listening to you or is repeatedly defying you with a big, sassy “no.”
Rage can manifest in a number of ways, from internal fury, to verbal outbursts, to physical confrontations. This wasn’t who you were pre-parenthood.
2.) ...cause irritablity and impulsiveness to be my baseline “mood”
How awful and hopeless does it feel when your baseline isn’t “good,” “alright,” or “neutral” but rather “irritated and annoyed”? Not only does it make you miserable, but it makes others around you miserable. Friends and family worry about setting you off, for fear of your impulsive reaction. It’s not a happy way to live.
3.) ...trigger aggressiveness when my child wakes up at night or doesn’t nap
Maybe you got your baby to fall asleep in your arms, but when you put her down in her crib, she startles awake and starts screaming. Maybe your toddler has woken up in the middle of the night for the umpteenth time. Or maybe it's noon and you're exhausted and looking forward to your child's nap. Except they refuse it.
Their refusal or inability to sleep sets you off. You are beyond the point of mere fatigue and just need a break. You clench your jaw, maybe even speak or act with hostility, even aggressively.
4.) ...make me resent my husband for getting more sleep than me
Your husband sleeps through the night while you get up multiple times to breastfeed, bottle-feed, or settle your child. Maybe he doesn’t hear your child, or maybe you think he’s pretending not to hear them. Regardless, he’s getting more sleep than you. And you’re seething, the resentment is building up inside you as if you were a pressure cooker. You may even feel like you hate him.
You're Not Alone
I have felt all of these feelings, and I know a lot of other mothers have too. While we don’t want anyone else to suffer, it’s helpful to know that you’re not alone.
What helped me through this was understanding my anger. (I wrote more about understanding Mom Rage in this post.)
- I am not an angry person at heart. My intense anger was the product of my sleep deprivation. Sleep deprivation was actually changing my brain, impacting how I reacted to negative stimuli.
- Anger is often a secondary emotion, meaning it’s an emotion about an emotion. For me, my anger was a symptom of my postpartum anxiety
- Sleep deprivation was fueling my anxiety, which was in turn was fueling my anger.
- My anger was showing me that I had needs that weren’t being met: not only did I need more sleep, but I needed to take some things off the table (work projects), commit to meditating, and set aside 30 minutes of alone time during the day.
- My anger felt diffuse, but actually there were certain triggers that set it off (e.g., my child not listening to me, refused naps); anticipating these triggers helped me manage my anger better.
- My anger felt so out of my control in part because my ability to sleep was out of my control.
I sought help for my anger by first contacting my GP. From there, we developed a game plan. I highly suggest that you contact your physician too if you get to a point where you cannot handle or overcome your anger.*
Prioritize Your Sleep
I know, easier said than done. But there are things you can put into place to help you get some more sleep.
- Prioritize getting 4 to 5 consecutive hours of sleep frequently and consistently. This will likely mean taking shifts with your partner or another carer, especially if you have an infant or a high-needs child.
- When it is your turn, Wear earplugs or noise-cancelling ear buds and/or get yourself a sound machine. Wear an eye mask or make sure your room is pitch black. If it helps your baby, it can help you! Give the baby monitor to your partner or whoever is on duty.
- Have a list of people who can help during the day when you find yourself in dire need of a nap or rest.
- Commit to going to bed earlier.
- Only sleep in your bedroom — no watching TV, reading books, texting, scrolling, etc. You want to associate your room with sleep.
- Put your phone in another room and get a good old-fashioned alarm clock for your bedroom.
- Use sleep meditations or stories to help you relax.
Finally, make sure to read my post on Mom Rage for more ways to manage your anger. You got this.
