How to Deal With a Whining Child (Using These Two Words)
The sound of a whining child, especially when it’s your own, is like nails on a chalkboard. You know how important it is to stay cool and calm when your child is whining, but it’s not easy. That’s why I recently wrote a post about why children whine and 3 effective strategies for how to deal with a whining child or toddler.
I want to offer you one more strategy that has been a serious lifesaver in my home. It’s so simple and consists of ONLY TWO WORDS: “I know.”
First though, let's address a few myths about whining. These will help clarify WHY "I know" is such an effective approach.
Myths about Toddler Whining
The below are some of the most common myths about toddler whining. You've likely heard them before, or perhaps you might even believe them.
MYTH #1
Your whining child is trying to manipulate you.
Fact: No, your whining child is not trying to manipulate you. The relevant definition of "manipulate" in Merriam-Webster's, the bible of dictionaries IMO, is "to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage."
Small children may be impulsive and demanding, but they're not malicious.
Rather, your child is whining in an attempt to COMMUNICATE with you. Our children, from babies to toddlers (and heck, even beyond!), utilize “whining to bridge a gap with an adult,” according to Dr. Rose Sokol-Chang of the American Psychological Association. Put more simply, our children whine to get our attention and tell us something, fast, about their wants and needs. They don't have the language, non-verbal communication skills, and emotional regulation
MYTH #2
Only spoiled American children whine. You don't find this kind of behavior in France, Japan, or Kenya...
Fact: Whining, researchers have theorized based on the research and evidence, is most likely cross-cultural. Even certain types of monkeys whine. Yup, you heard that right.
MYTH #3
You have to discipline or ignore a whining child.
Fact: Disciplining (or even ignoring) a child who's whining — that is, attempting to communicate with you using the limited tools they have — is likely to backfire. You wouldn't immediately shut down your partner or a colleague, for instance, who's trying to connect with you about their needs or desires, would you?
If you want to learn what to do instead, check out my 3 powerful strategies for how to effectively handle toddler whining!
MYTH #4
Whining is a reflection of bad or sub-par parenting.
Fact: The above myths should have already nipped this nugget in the bud. Whining is a reflection of a child going through a healthy, albeit annoying (there, I said it), developmental stage of learning to communicate effectively and manage their impulsive desires.
Children Who Whine Are Often "Stuck"
My son loooves his step stool, which he uses to access the sink, toilet, and kitchen counter (he also loves a good baking sesh). One night after dinner, he gave us a sly smile and asked my husband to “get the step stool down” for him.
The step stool is kept on a high shelf in the bathroom because we don’t have much space in our small apartment.
It’s also up there because my son likes to use it for unsanctioned activities, mostly as launching pad to jump from and making a huge “boom” when he lands on the floor.
My husband knew exactly what he was going to do with it and said, “No, not tonight, buddy. You can’t use it as a launching pad right now. Our neighbors downstairs are home.”
Cue incessant whining and begging.
“But I want it. I want the step stool. I want the step stool. I want the step tool.” Over and over again.
My husband tried to reason with him by explaining our decision. Over and over again.
Clearly my son was hearing him. But the words weren’t making any impact.
Why? Because my son was stuck. Nothing either my husband or I could have said would have changed his desire for that stool. (His logical reasoning skills are also nowhere near fully formed, but that’s a whole other ball of wax.)
How to Use "I Know" to Deal with a Whining Child
In situations like this, when your child becomes really whiny because they either WANT something or DON’T WANT something (or to do something), trying to explain your reasoning, negotiate, convince, distract, or even “sell” your child on something is going to fail.
Instead, one of the most powerful things you can do is to meet your child’s unfulfilled desire and intense feelings of disappointment and frustration with these two words:
“I know.”
Responding to your child with “I know” acknowledges their desire and their suffering. It’s not dismissive like “stop it” or “that’s enough.” At the same time, it holds your boundary. No means no, but you understand where they are coming from.
The Script: Handling a Whiny Child
Back to the step stool scenario. This is what I said to my son and recommend you adapt for yourself when you find yourself in the middle of your own child's whine fest.
Him: "I want the step stool! I want the step stool! I want the step stool!"
Me: I make eye contact with him, “I know, sweetie.”
Him: "I want the step stool! I want the step stool! I want the step stool!"
Me: Cooking at the stove top, I turn around and make eye contact again: “I know, my love. I hear you. There’s still no step stool.”
Him: "Now! Now! Get me the step stool."
Me: Take a deep breath (to calm myself), walk over to him, kneel down, and put my hand on his back: “I know. I understand. And I know this is really tough for you.”
That’s it. That's how to deal with a whining child. No tricks, no gimmicks. Just "I know." You could also use something similar, like "I understand" or "I hear you." Something that communications a similar sentiment.
Why Does This Work with a Whining Child?
First of all, does "I know" switch off the whining right away?
Nope.
But my staying calm while holding my boundary and also acknowledging his disappointment IS THE MOST POWERFUL WAY to effectively reduce whining in the future.
- It validates his feelings so that he can start to work through his feelings.
- It makes him feel seen, heard, and understood.
- It equips him with the tools (i.e., how to stay calm) he needs to start regulating his emotions.
- It strengthens our connection through acknowledgement.
- It doesn’t use fear or threats to shut him down.
- It empowers the parent to feel in control.
Did my son calm down? Yes! 5 minutes later he was happily playing with his duplos, without any redirection from me or my husband.
Without using the "I know" strategy, he would have been stuck for much, much longer.
Isn’t this a form of gaslighting?
Wait, isn’t saying “I know” to my child followed by “but not today” or “but you still have to” a form of gaslighting?
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), to gaslight is “to manipulate another person into doubting his or her perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events.”
So no, “I know” is not a form of gaslighting — not even close.
Gaslighting involves manipulating someone into believing something false about themselves or their world. “I know,” on the other hand, boldly and honestly acknowledges your child’s feelings and reality.
There’s no manipulation here. Just the validation of feelings and the loving but firm holding of the boundary.
I hope this post on how to deal with a whining child has helped you, and that you'll use this strategy with your toddler or older child the next time the get stuck whining or beginning for something.
You've got this.
Related Read: 3 Powerful Ways to Manage Your Child's Whining
