How to Stop Toddler Hitting and Biting: Follow this Powerful 3-Step Process

Are you at your wits’ end because your toddler or young child is hitting or biting and you can’t seem to make the insanity stop? I see you. My son was both: first a biter, then a hitter.

So how do you put an end to this unwanted behavior? How do you stop your toddler from hitting and biting? 

First, let’s ask an important question...

Why Do Toddlers Hit and Bite?

Hitting and biting is very typical toddler and young child behavior. Please do not immediately think your toddler must be abnormal or “has a problem” if they hit or bite. 

1. Toddlers are very sensory and physical beings

That’s why they throw food at the table and scream loudly while running around the playground. Hitting and biting can be viewed as an extension of this deeply physical and sensorial relationship to the world. 

2. Toddlers don’t have sophisticated language skills

Toddlers typically have the language to express anger or frustration, or the logical reasoning skills to cope with these emotions. Big feelings therefore immediately get transferred to and expressed via their hands (or teeth). 

They don't even have to be upset or having a bad day to hit or bite. My son, when he was itty bitty (we’re talking 1 year old or so) would bite me when he got EXCITED.

3. Toddlers cannot fully control their impulses

Toddlers have absolutely no filter... yet. And that's part of what makes them so endearing.

4. Toddlers are imitating others

Children are incredibly impressionable and mimic others (this is a big way they learn!). My son was with a small group of his friends at the park when they saw another group of older children from their nursery school pushing and shoving each other. What happened shortly thereafter, they started playing the pushing "game," which soon devolved into a big old mess.

5. Toddlers are defending their turf, or asking for space

Toddlers are territorial by nature. That's why the topic of sharing and taking turns is such a big (and often difficult) one. Hitting and pushing are natural ways to claim "this is mine." Similarly, hitting is a way of telling others "I need my space."

Your Biting or Hitting Child Is Not "Damaged"

Please do not let other people shame you (or your child) if your child hits or bites. Yes, you want to intervene and help guide your child’s behavior. But others shouldn’t expect a 1-, 2-, 3-, or even 4-year-old to understand the implications of biting or hitting like a fully formed, rational adult would. Our children are still learning.

I remember when I was desperate for a solution to my son’s biting and hitting and stumbled across the website of a child psychologist. She explained that young children only hit or bite when they’ve experienced deep childhood trauma. Her comments deeply wounded me, and made me think I was a horrible mother who must have somehow damaged my child when he was an infant. 

After further research into the literature, I discovered that she was wrong. Yes, it's possible that traumatized child might bit or hit because of said trauma — but that's not the ONLY reason why children bite or hit, as I've explained above. 

Your child is NOT damaged. You are NOT a bad mother (or father, or caregiver). You have a healthy, normal child who is learning the ways of this big, new world and how to deal with their reactions to that world. 

How to Stop Toddlers Hitting and Biting

This 3-step process is the best approach, I’ve found, to stop toddler hitting and biting. When your child bites or hits, follow these steps...

Step 1: Get Their Attention

Get down low and make eye contact with your child. 

Step 2: Physical Intervention

If they are hitting you, hold each of their hands in your own or clasp them together between yours. If they are too strong and are breaking free, you could try to wrap them in a bear hug.

If they are trying to bite you, grasp them at the tops of their arms (just below their shoulders, so they cannot bite your hands), and hold them away from you with your arms outstretched.

Of course you do NOT want to hold them so firmly that you hurt them. Your goal is rather to physically restrain them so that they cannot continue to hit, bite, etc., if they are resisting you.

Step 3: Real Talk

There are a number of different things you can say at this point. All of these phrases should be said calmly but firmly. 

Remember: You do not want to become angry or exasperated. This will just get them further worked up and potentially more physical. 

• Say: “No hitting me. I won't let you hit me.” (...or your brother, your friend Charlie, Dada, etc.)
  • This option directly shuts down the behavior. Hitting is not an option. The end.
• Say: “I see that you are angry. But I won't let you hit. Let’s go sit in your room together and calm down.” (...or on the bench in the playground, etc.)
  • This option offers co-regulation for an escalated child.
• Say: “Ouch, that hurts. I won't let you hit.”
  • This option is a simple matter of fact. One of the reasons we don’t hit is because hitting hurts (physically yes, but emotionally, to). The point is that you want your child to understand the basic physical cause and effect, which is hitting = painful. 
  • But don't our children already know that hitting hurts? You bet they do! They know that it hurts when someone else hits them. But children’s capacity to understand others’ internal states (this is known as the “theory of mind”) is still under construction.
• Say: “You cannot hit when you are angry. I will not let you hit. If you are angry, you can stomp your feet on the floor.”
  • This option provides them with a physical outlet or alternative to hitting or biting.

"I Won't Let You Hit"

See how “I won't let you hit” is in every single script? This is because it helps us as parents clearly and firmly drawing a boundary. It puts YOU in charge rather than trying to place your child in charge of their already out-of-control emotions and bodies. 

• Avoid Saying: “That hurts my feelings.”
  • Our feelings are not our child’s responsibility. 
• Avoid Saying: “I don’t hit you.” 
  • This is related to the above. Our child is not a fully formed, rational being like we are. Comparing a toddler to an adult is like comparing apples and oranges. We cannot expect from them what we expect from ourselves or other adults. If we do, we set our children up for failure. 
• Avoid Saying:“That’s not nice!”
  • This means nothing to a toddler. The idea of what is “nice” and "not nice" is too abstract for a toddler to grasp. 

Bonus: Stop Toddler Hitting and Biting

Sometimes, our frustration comes out in our voices or actions, and that’s OK. We’re only human. What you want to avoid doing, however, is taking a permanently frustrated or annoyed tone with your child. 

Sure a frustrated tone communicates to your child that you’re not happy about their behavior. But at what cost? It’s possible that they could internalize this tone, and start to identify as being an irrevocable nuisance. But we don’t want our children to see themselves this way. It’s not good for either their self-esteem or behavioral outcomes, leading them to a fatalistic belief that they are a pest.

So, work on keeping your tone as firm and steady as you can, Mama! It’ll become more natural and easier as you practice — and your child will give you oodles of opportunities to practice this ;) 

You've got this.

Related Read: How to Discipline a Child Without Breaking Their Spirit

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