How to Handle Toddler Tantrums with This Revolutionary Approach
Fact. Toddlers have tantrums. But you already knew that, perhaps painfully well. That's why you're here – to get some sage insight into how to handle toddler tantrums effectively.
As a parent to a toddler or little person, you might even find yourself defusing multiple tantrums a day. I get it. As a mom to an almost 3-year-old, I feel like I’m part of a tactical swat team. Black Ops, maybe.
So while you might know about tantrums all too well, what you might not know (yet) is how to handle toddler tantrums best so that both you and your toddler come out the other side with your bond stronger and everyone's feelings validated.
Today, I'm going to outline the most powerful way for you, as the parent, to manage these difficult outbursts. Seriously, this approach is game-changing.
Right out the gate, however, I want to emphasize the following truth:
Your job as a parent is NOT to stop a tantrum.
Read on for more.
toddler having a tantrum
But First, What Exactly Is a Tantrum?
Tantrums occur for a variety of reasons. From a developmental perspective, a child's prefrontal cortex — the region of the brain that governs reason and is involved in self-regulation — is not fully formed, and won't be for many, many years. Combine this with the fact that the world is a big and stimulating place for children, who are still figuring things out and learning how to communicate, and you have a pretty explosive mix.
Unsurprisingly, research has shown that 70 percent of children between 18 and 24 months have tantrums. That number jumps to just over 75 percent for children between 3 and 5 years old. No wonder so many of us feel like we are trying to handle tantrums all of the time.
Researchers have also found that one tantrum per day is the average, that the average tantrum lasts 3 minutes, and that common tantrum behaviors include crying and hitting.
The Spectrum of Dysregulation
Toddler tantrums, as you've seen time and again, often occur when your child is overtired, hungry, or not feeling well.
A child who is upset is not necessarily having a tantrum, however. The difference is order of magnitude. Your child is raging hard in a tantrum, often red-faced and extremely vocal, and it can take them a while to come down. They are in a state of EXTREME DYSREGULATION.
On the other hand, if your child yells in frustration when she spills a bowl of crackers on the floor or cries after his sister rips up his art project, they're dysregulated but not "uncontrollably" so. They haven't passed the threshold into full-on-meltdown mode.
READ MORE: Learn Most Powerful Thing to Say to Your Child When They Are UPSET.
When Emotions Go From 0 to 60
My son can be as happy as a clam one minute and, two seconds later, he goes absolutely bananas. I'm sure you've experienced the same thing with your own child.
READ MORE: Whining Child? If You're Struggling with This, Check Out My Sanity-Saving Tips Here.
Sometimes you can anticipate a tantrum, and sometimes you can't. I keep a running mental list of our top triggers so that I can prepare myself ahead of meltdowns.
For us, tantrum triggers include:
Getting out of the bathtub
Leaving the park and playground
Passing the aisle with chocolate (and other goodies) at the grocery store
Coming home after a long morning out (he's tired and wants to watch Elmo)
I used to do everything in my power to avoid or stop tantrums. I didn't want the chaos, I didn't want the scene, and, most importantly, I didn't want my son to feel upset. I thought being in an uncomfortable place, emotionally, wasn't good or "healthy for him.
So, to get him to peacefully leave the playground, for example, I'd try to entice (aka bribe) him with a small treat or tasty snack. If he was already upset about something, I'd use that same treat to redirect his emotions and "make him happy." I might also distract him with a toy or by pointing out something potentially interesting in our immediate environment ("Wow, look at that super cool motorcycle over there!").
After a while, however, I started to not feel so great about relying on these tactics. Ultimately, I realized, my approach wasn't fair to my son. My attempts to side-step or stop his tantrums didn't help him experience and confront his feelings. My interference would never help him learn how to work through his emotions and fully come into himself.
Instead, I started to do something completely different.
I started to invite the tantrum.
Bear with me. It's a bit more nuanced than what you might think.
A Revolutionary Approach for How to Handle Toddler Tantrums
Let the tantrum happen.
I am dead serious. This will change your life.
It's not that I actively solicit my son's tantrums. I don't relish the idea of him getting upset. But tantrums are 100% normal and actually 100% healthy. They're not a sign that there's something wrong with your child. They're in fact a sign of healthy child development.
Tantrums are natural and unavoidable. They are not attempts to manipulate you.
The Consequences of Trying to Avoid or End Tantrums
Remind yourself that it is NOT YOUR JOB TO END A TANTRUM. In fact, doing so will only create more problems. This is a central point to remember in the heat of the moment when you're asking yourself how to handle toddler tantrums — your child's, more specifically.
If we try to avoid tantrums, then our child will never learn how to handle the big feelings that might erupt when we're not there to remove roadblocks.
If we try to stop tantrums without letting our child ride that emotional wave all the way, then they risk becoming "stuck" in a state of dysregulation. Their big feelings will continue to simmer below the surface, leading to emotional volatility.
If we try to suppress tantrums, we're telling our child that they need to suppress their own desires. We risk teaching compliance and subservience.
How? Tantrums often erupt because a child doesn't get what she wants — we or someone else is acting as an impediment to their desire to do or have something. This is a healthy impulse, and one that we want them to internalize so that, later, they are able to say, with confidence: "No, I don't like that. No, I said stop. No, I don't want that."
mother and toddler embracing
A Tantrum Is Actually Cry for Help
When your child is having a tantrum, it's their way of saying: "I'm having really big feelings right now. My feelings are so big that they feel like they're exploding out of my body. I don't feel safe, Mama."
With this in mind, the best thing for you to do when your child is having a tantrum is to SHOW UP. Guide them through their big emotions simply by being there for them with compassion, empathy, and solidarity. Let them see you behaving calmly and let them feel your calm energy.
Three Powerful Steps For How to Handle a Toddler Tantrum:
1. Ask If Your Child and Others Are Safe
If your child is hitting another child, for example, then you will need to step in, hold their arm, and say "I won't let you hit Sam."
Or, if your child is mid-tantrum and running toward a street or staircase, you will need to physically stop and restrain them, saying, again, "I won't let you run in front of cars," etc.
2. Regulate Yourself
I read this somewhere once and really love it: An escalated parented cannot de-escalate an escalated child.
Truer words have never been spoken. So close your eyes for a second, breathe in deeply, relax your jaw.
If safety or danger is not an issue but you still need to physically intervene, briefly mentally prepare yourself for this task. For example, if your screaming child refuses to leave the playground (ohhhh the number of times this has triggered a tantrum for us....) or needs to be removed from a restaurant, you will likely have to pick them up and carry them, though they may be kicking and lashing out physically.
The key is to stay calm. You are the sky: everything else is just wind and the weather. Deep breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth.
Try to see the world through your child's eyes. Understand that they're not acting this way to be manipulative.
They are HAVING a hard time. They are NOT GIVING you a hard time. Keeping this in mind is key when it comes to zeroing in on how to handle toddler tantrums effectively.
Remember, your energy is infectious. So make sure your energy is giving off vibes of cool, calm, and collected. In time, your child will start modeling your calm reaction when their big feelings come a knockin'.
3. Ride the Wave WITH Your Child
(A) Stay near them. Sit with them.
Your calm, supportive presence is what your child needs right now. It helps them feel safe and feel secure as they experience their big emotions. (Remember, a tantrum is your child's way of saying, "My feelings are so big they're bursting out of my body. I can't handle them. I need your help, Mama/Dada/etc.")
If you handle toddler tantrums by staying calm and judgment-free, you show your child that you're not scared of their big feelings and that their big feelings are nothing to be ashamed about.
You also show them that their violent emotional storm IS tolerable. They can make it through it.
As much as it may seem counterintuitive, invite the tantrum. Let your child feel all the feelings. They need to fall apart so that they can pick up the pieces and put themselves together again (to use another metaphor) — this will help them learn how to start productively handling these emotions.
Your child will come down on their own, in due time. You will start to sense the relaxation wash over them.
They need you. Not pleas to "calm down." Not reprimands. Not solutions.
At first, you may not want to say anything. It may intensify your child's anger and get them even more worked up. For me, I've learned that I just need to sit with my son and stay silent at the peak of his tantrum. That's what he needs from me in that moment. Then we cuddle. Then, when it seems like he's ready, I move on to next steps.
Read on for Step B, below.
how to handle toddler tantrums
(B) Consider these productive and soothing "next step" strategies:
EXPRESS SOLIDARITY: "I'm here for you. I'm right here. I love you. Let's breathe together."
EMPATHIZE: "Wow, I see how hard this is for you. I understand, my love. I have a hard time when things don't go the way I want them, too."
VALIDATE: "You're upset, and that makes sense. Let it all out, sweetie."
IDENTIFY:
"You really wanted to stay at the swimming pool, but we had to go home to make dinner. I can see that you're very upset."
“You really didn’t want to brush your teeth tonight. I could tell that you were very angry.”
“You really wish that your block tower didn’t fall over. I could sense that you were very frustrated.”
Identifying the pain point in this way can help your child link up feelings and express what’s going on. The key is to not overanalyze or project your own emotions onto your child. Keep it simple.
X happened. I could sense that you felt Y. Is that right, honey?
In Sum: Handling Tantrums
Your child needs YOU when they're having a tantrum. Not distraction, bribes, threats, judgment, or even problem-solving. These tactics will likely prolong dysregulation or undermine their future ability to regulate themselves, if not both.
As a side note, for the reasons stated above, ignoring a tantrum is also not the best approach. A child who is being ignored during a tantrum will likely feel even more insecure. The parent-child bond will also weaken as a result.
Your dysregulated child needs your calm energy and support to help them ride the wave of their big feelings and discover that, hey... I GOT THIS.
At the same time, we're only human! Our child's tantrums can be deeply triggering. If you feel like you've "slipped up," no, you are not a bad parent and, no, you have not damaged your child's spirit. You care deeply, and that's what's most important.
This is the very best, most effective way to handle toddler tantrums. And, in the long run, this strategy will help reduce the number or intensity of tantrums. Genius.
Keep going! You've got this, too.
READ MORE: Major Parenting Mistakes: 10 Things That Are NOT Your Job As a Parent.
how to handle toddler tantrums