How to Handle Toddler Whining with these Powerful Approaches

Hands up if your toddler's whining leaves you feeling exasperated. (My hand shot straight up — bet yours did too...) Hands up if you want to discover how to stop whining, stat.

The toddler whining stage is real, and if your toddler's whining and moaning and complaining drives you bananas, you're far from alone. 

When we're tired, hungry, and generally low on patience, whining can send us over the edge. You're at a loss for what to do, so you resort to demanding that they "stop whining, please."

Problem is, this doesn't work. It never does. It may even wind your child up even more. And if they do stop, this isn't really an indication that your yelling and/or telling them to stop has succeeded in the long-term (instead, it leads them to modify their behavior out of fear or a desire to please).

Thankfully, there are far more effective, sanity-saving strategies you can turn to, which I'll outline below.

Related Read: If your toddler's complaining triggers feelings of anger or rage, check out my post on Mom Rage for more on this topic.

First: Why Do Toddlers Whine? And Why Does Mine Whine So Much?

Toddlers and young children whine because of many of the same reasons you sometimes whine or would like to whine.

It all boils down to this: Children whine because they want something (food, help, connection, recognition, guidance, reassurance) but feel helpless to access it.

• They want a cookie, but can't because you've explained, No, it's not cookie time. You can have a cookie after we get back from the store, when we’ll sit down to eat lunch.
• They want connection with you because they're feeling unseen or alone, but you're busy finishing up a work call.
• They're worried the advancing storm is going to ruin their sidewalk chalk drawing, but they don't know how to protect it. 
• They can't actually figure out what they want or need, so they're flailing, looking for some form of guidance or a boundary.
• They are super sensitive by nature; little things set them off like someone looking at them the wrong way, and they need your reassurance.

With this in mind, you can better help them toward problem-solving.

READ MORE: The TWO words that can immediately subdue your child's whining

The Case for Not Ignoring Your Whining Toddler

My toddler's whining is driving me crazy, I hear you say. I have to ignore it.

Hold up. I strongly recommend that you do not ignore your whining toddler. I read and hear the advice time and time again to ignore a child who's deep the throes of a whine-fest.

But, ooof. I think this approach just 100% backfires.

Why?

Because a child who is ignored feels unseen. And when a child feels unseen by a caregiver, someone who is supposed to support and care for them, it can rattle them to the core.

This type of treatment has a way of weakening the parent-child bond and connection, which can result in a whole lot of undesirable outcomes.

It also compounds a child’s emotional dysregulation, both now in the future (read: MORE WHINING), because it doesn’t offer them any tools for how to handle their feelings.

This is the secret sauce behind how to stop whining on a long-term basis.

Tell me about these magical tools! I’m desperate! Read on, my friend.

3 Effective Ways of Responding to Toddler Whining

1. Show Compassion and Maintain Boundaries:

When your child starts whining because you've said no and they're not happy about it, the first step is to recognize how upset they are, even permit their protest.

SAY:

"You're allowed not to like my decision. I understand that it's tough for you, my love. You're upset, I completely get it. But right now, it's time to go inside for dinner."

You want to show your child empathy, compassion, and sensitivity WHILE ALSO holding firmly to the boundaries you've set.

Why compassion in an instance like this? Don't you want your child to stop their {irrational} whining? Shouldn't you just ignore them? Isn't this post about how to STOP whining?

Let's break it down.

Acknowledging your child with empathy and compassion allows them to feel SEEN. It validates their emotions while also affirming that you believe it's OK for them (and others) to feel upset sometimes. All feelings are allowed to be felt. All feelings are valid.

Over time, this strategy communicates to them that they don't have to keep whining to get your attention because they already have it and you already know that they're upset. You've made this clear.

This is not to say that we want our children to stuff or suppress their feelings — the opposite is the case. If they want to express their emotions, more power to them. If they're whining because they don't feel seen, then this strategy will nip that belief in the bud.

You are your child's emotional weathervane

At the same time that you're acting compassionately, you want to continue to hold your ground CALMLY. Getting worked up will only feed your child's whining and discomfort. You are their weathervane, emotionally and otherwise.

How you react is a powerful teacher. So stay calm. You want to model the reaction that you'd like for them to one day be able to manage when things don't go their way.

Also, remember that you are the parent and they are the child — you call the shots. The boundaries you set promote their safety and wellbeing and are born out of your love for them.

Read on for Strategy Number 2, below.

2. Meet Your Toddler Whining with a Little Bit 'o Humor: 

Did you or your child have a particularly hard or exhausting day? Try meeting their whining with humor.

When my son starts whining on days like this, I like to hide behind a door, for example, and then jump out and say in a silly voice: 

"Helloooo! It's the whine fairy, coming to take that whine and throw it away / flush it down the toilet / put it in a balloon and let it fly away."

(note: sadly, this whine fairy does not bring bottles of cabernet with her...)

The whine fairy almost always, without fail, turns his whines into laughter. Seeing those smiles through the tears is just the best!

"But, wait," I hear you say. Isn't this a form of deflection and distraction?

Well, technically, yes. But sometimes what a whining child needs is a release. A whine can be a cry for a release. And what better release is there than laughter? 

Similarly, humor is a good tool for helping your child get unstuck if they're still fixated on the boundary you've firmly but lovingly outlined for them.

And, last but not least, humor can offer the connection that your bond-seeking bubs is looking for in that moment.

3. Model Your Child's Request without the Whining: 

Has your child ever demanded that you "Go get me teddy/a snack/my book," and your immediate response was "Please can you get me teddy/a snack/my book, Mama?"

I think it's safe to say that this is true for most of us.

Now use this approach to model your child's whine-infused request without the whining.

Say they're super frustrated and crying and whining:

"Mama, ahhhhh, mama, find them, find them! Where are they? The crayons! Mamaaaaa!"

You can model their request in a non-whining voice in order:

"Mama, I can't find my crayons. Can you please help me find them?"

Then, in your own voice, say, "Sure, lovebug, I think they're in the drawer. Let's go get them."

Modeling is super powerful on its own. There's no need for explanation or lecturing, just move on and let that sink in for your child.

Related Read: Use these Two Words to subdue and even STOP your child's whining

Whiny Toddlers: Children Continue Behaviors That Work For Them

Don't ignore your child, but also don't give in. This is key when it comes to answering the question about how to stop whining.

You can and should permit your child to protest. Their feelings are valid — all feelings are valid — even if their demands seem unreasonable to us. 

But that doesn't mean you should bend to your child's will, especially when you've made a decision about what's best for them or what needs to happen at that moment.

As Positive Parenting Solutions astutely observes, "children only continue behaviors that work for them."

If you let them get their needs met through whining (as opposed to more productive means), then they will continue to whine. Simple as that. 

A Recap of How to Stop Whining (i.e., How to Effectively Handle Whining)

Whining is your child's way of attempting to get their desires met. Because they are (1) powerless to fulfill many of those desires and (2) because they're still learning to channel their emotions productively, their behavior often becomes whiny as a result.

Scolding them, ordering them to stop, and even punishing them (timeout, etc.) are simply not going to be effective. These tactics send the wrong signals, do not allow a child to work through their emotions, and will only deepen your little one's displeasure

Rather, empathy, compassionately reinforced boundaries, productive releases (humor!), and simple modeling can offer the positive foundations from which children can learn to cope.

You got this!

READ MORE: The Most Powerful Words to Say When Your Child is Upset