What to Do When Your Child Struggles with Separation Anxiety: 5 Powerful Tools

The vast majority of children struggle, at least on occasion, with anxiety. This is a completely normal (and expected!) part of growing up.

A child's anxiety can be triggered by a wide range of things and can manifest differently from person to person. One of the most common and earliest causes of anxiety in children is separation from their mother, father, or person to whom they are closest.

In fact, according to Stanford Children's Health, "nearly all children between the ages of 18 months and 3 years old have separation anxiety and are clingy to some degree." Separation anxiety is when a child (or adult, for that matter) fears being apart from a particular person, which leads to feelings of distress and behaviors like crying and resistance.

As parents, we very often witness separation anxiety when we drop our child off at daycare or preschool, or when we leave them with a babysitter or nanny.

Sometimes, even going to the bathroom alone or doing an activity that takes our attention away from them (like vacuuming or cooking) can trigger our child's separation anxiety.

Separation Anxiety: A Developmental Perspective

Separation anxiety can begin in infancy, when a baby is 4 to 5 months old. At this age, a baby has developed a sense of object permanence and understands that things continue to exist even when they cannot be seen or heard.

So when you drop your little one off at daycare, they know that you still exist, and your absence (potentially) causes them to feel and act tremendously unsettled.

Separation can elicit an even stronger reaction in toddlers. Not only are they able to communicate and express themselves with language, but they also have a more advanced sense of self and personal independence. This in, turn, contributes to their often very vigorous assertions of will.

A toddler's sense of self and independence also reinforces the distinction between "me" and "mama," leading to an even greater awareness of separations.

Separation anxiety is a sign of...

If your child has separation anxiety, that does not mean that they are weak or clingy or fragile in some way. Quite the opposite. As mentioned above, a child with separation anxiety often has a very strong will, and knows what they want.

This is good! We want our children to be vocal about their desires so that when they reach adolescence and adulthood, they speak their minds and don't become passive or submissive, or struggle with codependence.

My son has had separation anxiety since he was a baby, so I've been managing this for a long time. Also, because of the pandemic and other circumstances beyond our control, we've had to move him between several different childcare providers during his three years of life.

During that time, I've come discover 5 powerful tools you can use to help manage your child's separation anxiety and set them up for success. Read on to learn more...

1. Tell your child what's going to happen, ahead of time.

Nobody likes the unknown, least of all children. Before a period of separation, explain to your child what's going to happen.

Tomorrow, we are going to wake up and have pancakes for breakfast. After we eat, we're going to sing some fun songs while we pick out our clothes. Then, Daddy is going to take you to your new daycare. Before he leaves, he's going to give you a big hug and a kiss. You'll get to play with the teachers and children we met when we visited earlier. Do you remember how it was such a fun, safe, friendly place!? After snack time, Mommy will come pick you up.

Rehearse the script frequently and often in advance of "the event" so that your child can start to internalize it. The more they are able to do so, the more they can go in feeling prepared and confident about what to expect.

Children like feeling part of the creation of the script, too. It gives them a further sense of control and autonomy. Ask them what they think they might do there, or what you could do before or after.

2. Acknowledge and hold space for your child's feelings.

At drop off, your child is likely going to be upset. You should expect this; doing so we'll help you from trying to resist their reaction. And resisting their reaction could potentially cause more chaos or a sense of mistrust in your child.

Try to avoid saying: Don't be sad! You're going to have fun!

Sure, your intention is 100% good — you want to lift them up, encourage them, and reassure them. But a statement like this can work to invalidate their feelings by coming across as judgmental. Yes, even very young children can sense this!

Try also to avoid distracting or redirecting your child, or telling them You're going to be just fine; you're OK.

Your child's feelings are valid. Let them be. Don't try to change or direct them.

Instead, acknowledge their feelings by saying something along the lines of: It's hard to say goodbye. I understand, my love. You really, really want to stay with Daddy.

You could also couple the above with a statement about how different emotions can exist side by side. This will help them see the bigger picture without negating their feelings.

It feels hard to say goodbye to Mommy, and that's OK. It can also feel really fun to be a daycare. It's OK to feel both things, my love.

3. "Mommy always comes back"

This simple statement of fact was a complete game-changer for my son. I wish I'd started using right from the get go, even before my son understood language.

"Mommy always comes back" offers the powerful reassurance that "you'll be OK" lacks.

Your child is having anxiety because YOU are leaving. This promise is trustworthy because it's a promise about what YOU'RE going to do, not what THEY are going to feel. They want to know that YOU are coming back from them. They want to know that YOU are in control, because that's something they can trust and rely on. It makes them feel safe.

Speaking of safety, you could also say: Mama knows you are safe here.

Again, a statement like this shows them that someone they trust is in control even when they feel out of control.

4. Encourage autonomy

Encouraging your child's autonomy and ability to do things on their own can have a powerful impact on their ability to separate with more confidence from you.

You can do this by:

• Not interrupting their play and unintentionally creating a situation where you're the leader and they're just passively following or looking for you to show them "what's next. Let them experiment and explore on their own (though you can of course remind present).
• Practicing patience-stretching. I see you really want me to get your book down from the shelf. I'll be there in two minutes. I first need to finish writing this card to Grandma.
• Asking them to do something that you know they can do (but they want you to do for them), like tying their shoes, cleaning up the blocks, brushing their teeth
• Asking them to help you do something, like moving the trash cans to the street, putting the clothes in the washing machine, taking the dishes out of the dishwasher

Of course, encouraging your child's autonomy has massive benefits beyond the scope of separation anxiety. It also helps them feel empowered and in control, encourages helpfulness, and cultivates creativity and problem-solving skills

5. Remain confident (and let your child know you're going)

Children, even VERY young babies, are sensitive to our feelings. They can pick up on if we are feeling unsettled, unsure, guilty, or upset. And if we're feeling this way before the separation, you can bet that this will undermine their ability to separate from us peacefully and with confidence.

If you're ambivalent yourself, how can your child possibly feel secure?

And sneaking away without telling them you're leaving will just cause confusion and possibly chaos, even insecurity and mistrust.

The loving thing to do is to part with confidence and kindness. Acknowledge their feelings. Explain that you are leaving but that you'll come back. You always do. Smile.

I've said it before: you are your child's emotional weathervane. If you stay calm and confident, they can pick up on this and, in their own way, start to think: Wow, look at Mommy. Maybe I, too, can be calm and confident.