How to Help an Easily Frustrated Child

Does your child get easily frustrated? They go from 0 to 60 at the drop of a hat: One minute they’re fine and the next, they’re so worked up with frustration you’re worried they might actually combust?

I hear you. I, too, have an easily frustrated child.

Some common scenarios you might observe include:

• They’re happily building a tower with their MagnaTiles, and then when it collapses, they are suddenly red-faced and screaming with frustration? 
• They’re attempting to zip their jacket and, after 5 seconds of trying, they become hysterical and start shouting that they can’t do it. 
• They asked for water in their red cup but you've filled the blue cup because the red one is dirty. Cue meltdown.

Why Do Children Get Frustrated so Easily?

First of all, our children get frustrated for the same reasons we do! 

• We cannot figure out how to do something
• We make a mistake or mess up
• We feel misunderstood or slighted
• Something doesn’t go our way
• We aren't getting something done "perfectly"

Children, however, get more easily and more visibly frustrated than adults (though I’ve seen my fair share of adults who are quick to frustrate!!) because they haven’t yet developed the appropriate coping mechanisms.

This is key. Most “unwanted” or “unideal” behaviors, such as tantrums, meltdowns, whining, and so on, are the result of our children grappling with and learning to navigate their big emotions. That’s where we come in! One of our primary roles as parents is to help guide them, gently, through the learning process.

How Can We Help Our Children When They’re Frustrated?

There are a lot of things we, as parents, can do when our children get frustrated. I’m currently in the process of writing a more comprehensive post on this topic, but here is what I recommend, based on what we know about young children, their emotional needs, and their developing brains:

When your child gets frustrated…

Stay calm yourself.

Maybe you feel yourself triggered by your child’s frustration, because it seems so irrational. If you get worked up, you’re only going to feed the fire that is your own child’s frustration.

Remember, if we get worked up when we are frustrated with them, how can we expect our kiddos to stay cool when they’re frustrated? So stay calm.

Related Read: Powerful Ways to Cope with Mom Rage (you're not alone!)

But don't ignore them.

Stay calm, but equally, don’t ignore the behavior. It hurts to be ignored.

Move closer to your child if you’re not already and say, “I see you’re frustrated. What happened?” This allows them the chance to verbalize their frustration in a rational way and start to piece together cause and effect. 

Let the feelings be.

Your job here is not to make their frustration go away. Your job is to help them learn to cope with their frustration.

With that in mind, try not to say: “You don’t need to get so frustrated” or “calm down.” All feelings are valid, and we want our children to feel their feelings so that they know what they are and how to deal with them. Instead, suggest that you take some big, deep breaths together, maybe even close your eyes.

Solve the problem together.

Don’t just immediately rebuild your child’s tower or zip up their coat. You might be “solving” a problem in the short term, but long-term, your child has learned nothing about how to manage their frustration.

Moreover, they haven’t learned how to grapple with the source of frustration. This, in turn, leads to learned helplessness.

My favorite way to problem-solve is to do something jointly, even if it’s just having them put their hands on yours while you zip up their coat and re-explain how to do so, for example.

For the child who needs space.

If your child seems irritated by your questions or suggestions, stay nearby but let them know that you’re here if you need them, and that you can work on this together, when they’re ready.

A Clever, Powerful Exercise to Help an Easily Frustrated Child

Dr. Becky Kennedy, the guru behind @drbeckyatgoodinside, has a phenomenal exercise for parents with an easily frustrated child.

Actually, this exercise is great for any child, period, even if they don’t go from 0 to 60. That’s because all children (all people, for that matter) experience frustration, and building up our frustration tolerance is a critical skill to have. 

One thing that feeds our children’s frustration is that they see us and other adults are able to do things they can’t or don’t know how to do. And when we do them, we do them perfectly (at least in their eyes).

How to do the Frustration-Tolerance exercise

Dr. Becky recommends sitting down and announcing that you’re going to make a birthday card for somebody. You get out your markers and paper and start writing: 

Happee Birthday, Susie!

When you realize your mistake, stay calm and say something kind to yourself. Then correct it by X’ing out the “ee” in “happee” and adding a “y” above it.

DO NOT, she stresses, start the card over. Leave it as is.

This teaches your child that mistakes are part of learning, and that you don’t have to be perfect to be good. 

Here’s a link to Dr. Becky’s IG video and explanation.

I love this recommendation and suggest you give it a try. You can also adapt it for other situations to reinforce the message, especially for the easily frustrated child. And, better yet, when you make an actual mistake yourself, follow her steps.

You got this, mama!

Related Read: A Revolutionary Way to Manage Your Child's Tantrums (it changed my life)