Is Your Self-Care Actually Leading to Self-Sabotage?
As the speed of life relentlessly increases, a counter-trend has emerged in the form of self-care. You’ve probably heard all about self-care, as it’s likely been drummed into your head by every magazine cover, well-intentioned friend, or local salon and spa.
Life is hard, they say — take some time for you.
The $10 billion self-care industry would have us believe it’s all wine, bubble baths, massages, and shopping sprees. Their message is clear: pamper yourself. Indulge. It’s okay, you need it.
But do you, really?
Well, yes, of course — these kinds of things can be really relaxing, not to mention a lot of fun.
But as I’ll explain in this post, practicing effective self-care means that you:
- Know what authentic self-care is for you and your needs
- Know the difference between self-care and self-soothing
- Know how self-care can turn into self-sabotage
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What is Self-Care?
Everyone needs personal time, but self-care isn’t just about pampering yourself — it’s about cultivating the conditions that let you lead the best life you can.
The Oxford dictionary defines self-care as “the practice of taking an active role in protecting one's own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.”
Of course, the definition of “well-being and happiness” will be different for everyone. While there might be a place for indulging and relaxing, that’s just one aspect of a much broader concept, and it’s not necessarily all fun and games.
Authentic Self-Care is Holistic:
The 8 Pillars of Self-Care
Self-care is like the framework of a house. It’s the structure and support that help keep it all together. If any part of that structure isn’t maintained, the whole thing can come crashing down. So self-care is really about regular, preventative maintenance to ensure integrity and balance.
Broadly speaking, there are 8 pillars of self-care. Yes, it’s a lot, but we are beautifully complex beings. In fact, there are for sure more pillars, or sub-pillars, but the following cover the main players.
THE 8 PILLARS OF SELF-CARE: emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, social, professional, environmental, and practical.
- Emotional self-care examples:
- Writing down and reciting affirmations
- Cultivating a hobby or creative pursuit
- Going on an adventure
- Journaling
2. Mental self-care examples:
- Meditating
- Learning a new skill
- Listening to a podcast or reading a book
- Practicing digital wellbeing (i.e., stop doomscrolling on your phone until 2 am!)
3. Physical self-care examples:
- Staying hydrated
- Moving your body every day
- Attending regular medical check-ups
- Getting 7 to 9 hours of sleep
4. Spiritual self-care examples:
- Finding a community that enriches your life
- Spending time in nature
- Connecting with a higher power
- Volunteering or otherwise contributing to a cause important to you
5. Social self-care examples:
- Scheduling a regular Zoom hang with your college besties
- Spending time with friends and family members whose company you enjoy
- Saying yes to engagements that have the potential to help you thrive
6. Professional self-care examples:
- Keeping your calendar and goals organized
- Maintaining efficiency so that you can get things done
- Setting boundaries to support a work-life balance
7. Environmental self-care examples:
- Setting up your desk and work supplies to aid creativity and productivity
- Cultivating a calming bedroom environment
- Decluttering your home so you have room to breathe
8. Practical self-care examples:
- Understanding your health insurance and how to access healthcare
- Tracking your finances so that you’re spending — and saving — wisely
HOWEVER, many of the self-care activities that marketers and the media lure you with — the wine and the roses, so to say — are actually forms of self-soothing or self-pampering.
Self-soothing and self-pampering activities are important to incorporate into your life as fun and relaxing treats to enjoy every now and then. But they’re not necessarily going to help you achieve integrity, balance, and well-being in the long term — the goal of self-care.
Conflating self-soothing with self-care can also warp you into thinking that self-care is necessarily always about fun and games. Nope, sorry, it ain’t.
Self-care can certainly be enjoyable — a spot of morning yoga can both set you up for success and be pleasurable. But I’d imagine that, for the vast majority of people, doing the laundry, getting a regular pap smear, and creating and sticking to a budget (all legit forms of self-care) are not a barrel full of laughs.
Self-Care Is Actually a Form of Parenting
It’s safe to say that we Millennials and older Gen Zers (the latest crop of grown-ups) have struggled with some of these more mundane duties and responsibilities — so much so that we created a new word for it: adulting. But while we act as though we’re the first generation to encounter these things, all we really did was rebrand the same skills many of us are ironically using now on our kids.
Adulting is really just parenting.
Children are not fully capable of practicing self-care just yet, hence why we step in and fulfill our role as parents.
- We give them baths.
- We snuggle up with them to help them fall asleep.
- We encourage them to run, play, and be active.
- We send them to school and we make them do their homework.
- We turn off the TV or iPad.
- We teach them how to communicate with each other and make friends.
- When they have big emotions, we’re there to remind them that it’s okay, they’re okay, and teach them ways to cope.
- We help them do all the stuff they don’t know how to do — and maybe don’t want to do.
As adults, when we fail to engage in self-care, we do so thanks to a lot of different reasons. Maybe we had weak role models, maybe we’ve experienced trauma. Or maybe we just don’t want to do, even though we know we should.
The truth is you don’t turn 18 and suddenly want to go to the gym five days a week, or floss your teeth, or do your taxes. A vegetable you once abhorred as a kid doesn’t suddenly become delicious (though I have started to take slightly less offense to parsley).
Self-care, re-parenting yourself, adulting… whatever you call it, being a fully-grown human isn’t easy.
Controlling Your Inner Child to Avoid Self-Sabotage
Your brain reaches adulthood when your prefrontal cortex becomes fully developed — usually around the age of 25. The prefrontal cortex gives you the executive functioning to plan, think critically, and recognize the consequences of your actions.
Your inner child might think “oooo, that donut looks soooo tasty-good,” while grown-up you thinks, “hmm, if I eat that, I know I’m going to crash from the sugar and feel worse within minutes; I’ll also sabotage my waistline.”
We already know we know better. The trouble is when our inner child sneaks back in under the radar, and we often pretend we don’t notice. That’s when our “needs” can become even harder to define. When you find yourself rationalizing your next glass of wine, it might be time to ask yourself the hard questions.
We’re all guilty of it. The last time you convinced yourself to do something you later regretted, did you really have an honest conversation with yourself taking into account all the consequences? Or did you quickly find a justification and quietly ignore all the red flags?
Developing Self-Awareness is Critical to Self-Care
The good news is that underneath the messy, complicated lives we lead is some exquisite biology that’s doing its best to tell us exactly what it needs.
Your body tells you when you need a break with aches and pains and fatigue. Your brain gives you anxiety when it’s threatened by something and you avoid it before any conscious thought. If you’re willing to tune in and be honest about what you find, you can start to understand what you really need.
5 Questions to Help You Tune in to What You Truly Need
If you’re stuck in a self-care quandary and can’t figure out how to proceed to achieve what you need, try asking yourself the following:
1. Will this choice contribute to my overall well-being and target my current need?
What is it that you’re struggling with right now? Is it work stress, physical fatigue, a sense of isolation, financial anxiety, general overwhelm? Map that struggle back to one (or several) of those 8 pillars of self-care and the specific areas of your life that they support.
Then ask yourself how your choice will authentically cultivate and restore the health and stability of that particular area.
Even though it may be difficult and awkward, will setting strict boundaries with a manipulative family member help you feel happier and more emotionally secure. Hands down yes.
Will going for a run right now help you resolve a difficult work project, which has become particularly stressful? Hmmm. Exercise is a fantastic form of self-care and can certainly be used to improve your overall wellbeing, but in this particular case, it’s likely a tool of procrastination. When something, even a form of self-care, becomes a substitute for something else, you’re starting to wade into self-sabotage territory.
If you can define your needs and effective ways to meet them ahead of time, you’re more likely to know whether something is truly in your best interest or not.
2. Am I trying to escape or avoid something with this choice?
The answer to this one can be much more obvious than we want to admit.
Do I really need to take a nap right now? Or is there a reason that I’m putting off doing that thing I need to do?
Do I really need another glass of wine? Or am I not being upfront with myself about something that’s causing me anxiety in my life right now?
We often casually avoid even asking ourselves or thinking too deeply on it, lest we quickly discover it’s just a coverup.
3. Will my future self thank me for my choices now, or will she suffer the consequences?
This question is hugely clarifying for me. By doing this thing, am I going to feel better about myself, or am I going to feel worse? Am I going to have fun now, but I just know this is going to lead my off track in the long run? Be honest with yourself.
4. With this choice, am I trying to disconnect from myself?
Self-care is about tuning in (and turning in!), not out. It’s about being aware of your needs and taking care of those needs. It’s about knowing who you are, through and through, and acting in a way that cultivates your strengths, addresses your weaknesses, and enhances your overall health.
5. Who do I need in my corner right now?
Who do you want backing you up right now and why? Is it your mom to give you comfort and reassurance? Or your sister to give you grit? Your best friend, to cut through the crap and tell you what you need to know?
Figure out who it is that you need, and be that person for yourself.
REMEMBER.
Self-care is about taking responsibility for your well-being and engaging in activities and habits that set you up for success.
Self-sabotage is doing the opposite of what you need and gets in the way of that success.
Self-soothing is a temporary salve or balm — a quick fix that might be nice in the immediate moment but isn't a deep and authentic form of self-care.
