Mom Rage: How to Manage Your Anger & Empower Yourself
"Mom rage" is all the rage these days. What I mean is: Mom rage is finally getting the attention it deserves. So let's help you with your anger and get you the tools to handle it!
Too often, the rage (or uncontrollable anger) we experience as mothers gets swept under the rug. It’s ugly, it’s nasty, it’s disordered, it’s unmaternal. (It's not — it's a natural response, but society has told us otherwise...)
It’s no wonder nobody has really talked about mom rage up until now. We’re worried that people will think we’re bad mothers. We’re worried that we are bad mothers. We’re worried that if we speak up and seek help, that somebody might intervene and do, who knows what?
But rage and motherhood pair frequently together. Rage doesn’t make us unfit mothers. But when we exclude it as a topic of conversation, we give it more power, and that power can have dramatic repercussions in our lives and the lives of our children.
I have known this rage. I’ve never been a patient person. Sometimes, when I’ve been truly tested and my flexibility threshold overwhelmed, I’ve even been known to explode. This has almost always occurred among people I love and feel totally comfortable around, like my husband and my parents. Yes, you can have mom rage towards others: I have had mom rage towards my husband.
This rage rarely extends beyond this circle, though the trigger is usually something that doesn’t have much to do with these people, per se: work stress, fears of the unknown, hormonal shifts and the attendant emotional rollercoaster.
Jump down to discover the 7 ways to manage your mom rage.
Mom Rage Can Begin at Birth: Both Your Child's and Your Own, as a Mother
When I gave birth to my son (my only child), my world simultaneously expanded and collapsed. I was incredibly lucky to experience a strong bond with him the moment I met him. My heart ached (and still aches) with love for him. I couldn’t believe that this beautiful child was here, that he was mine, and that we were a team.
I loved that he needed me. But that also started to become the heart of the problem. He needed me all the time. He would cry unless I held him, which meant I held him all the time. Whether it was 3 pm or 3 am, he was likely in my arms. I had to use the baby carrier because he would scream bloody murder in the stroller, which sat neglected in the corner for months (a very expensive mistake).
I even wore him in a carrier at home when I needed a free hand to eat, send an email, or, and I kid you not, use the bathroom. He’d often still cry in the carrier, but it was less intense than if he were on a floor mat or in a baby seat or Boppy (this was especially true if I walked around or bounced on my yoga ball).
He would only nap on me and would only sleep at night in 1-to-2-hour chunks in his bassinet. I probably should have co-slept with him — we would have all gotten a better night's sleep — but I was terrified of SIDS. I’d also been conditioned to believe that babies needed to sleep independently, otherwise you were creating long-term, probably irreversible "bad" habits. (I later realized I was wrong on both counts.)
Needless to say, I couldn’t catch I break. I felt touched out, overwhelmed, dirty, and exhausted. Oh, it was an exhaustion so intense it was almost painful.
Mom Rage Symptoms: What Does Mom Rage Feel Like?
One night, when my son was two months old, I snapped. My husband was away on a business trip and my son and I were alone. The night started like any other: sleep was a struggle. He would go down in his bassinet and then wake a few minutes later. Sometimes I’d put him down and there’d be no pause before the screaming started. 9 pm turned into 11 pm, which turned into 1:30 am, then 3:15 am.
My breathing grew shallow, fast, and inconsistent. I felt the pressure that has been slowly building in my chest spill over into my limbs, making them feel tight and heavy. My mind raced, cycling between angry, disconnected thoughts. Finally, the lid holding back a deep, blood-red rage finally blew.
If you've experienced rage before, you know that the anger is so intense that it feels impossible to control or hold in. As a result, we lose control, we erupt by screaming, yelling, throwing, hitting.
And so, at 4 am, I completely lost control. I yanked my son out of his bassinet. Hard. Twice.
Almost instantly, I realized what I’d done. My baby couldn’t speak yet, but if he could, he might have said, But Mommy, why??
What kind of monster treats an infant like this? He’s not screaming, crying, and resisting sleep because he thinks keeping me in a state of fatigued delirium is funny. No, this is hard for him too. He’s been in the womb for 9 long months and this new world is cold, overwhelming, and scary. He needs me.
Jump down to discover the 7 ways to manage your mom rage.
Fortunately, my parents were still up. I lived in Italy at the time, so it was only 10 pm back on the East Coast. I called them, sobbing, explaining what I’d just done and asking (a) if it was tantamount to what happens in Shaken Baby Syndrome (answer: no — far from it!***) and (b) if I was heinous (answer: no — far from it!). They helped calm me down, reinforced how difficult these first few months can be, and urged me to call them for support whenever I needed it.
***I am not a doctor and my advice is informal. But if you have harmed your child please contact emergency services immediately; if you are worried that you may harm your child in the future, please contact a medical professional or trusted source immediately.
I met up with a friend the next day and told her — sheepishly, shamefully — what had happened. She’d given birth to her second son less than a month earlier, and as we held our babies, she looked me directly in the eye and said: “Oh, that kind of stuff happens all the time.”
I couldn’t believe it. These feelings, these actions, were common? Her observation made me feel less alone, even validated. But, ironically, it made me feel even more scared.
Why had nobody mentioned mom rage? Either in conversations about pregnancy and motherhood or in all the books I'd read?
My Mom Rage Continued in Fits and Starts...
My first brush with rage was not the last. Over the course of my son’s almost 3 years of life, I have lost it on several occasions.
- There was the time when, red-faced with anger, I screamed at him for “getting in my way” while I tried to reassemble a piece of shitty Ikea furniture — he was no more than 1.5 years old.
- There was the time I got so mad when he wouldn’t let me put him in a clean diaper that I hurled the wet one across the room so hard that, on contact with the door frame, it exploded into what looked like thousands of snow flurries.
- There was the time when I got down on his level to sternly tell him he couldn’t do something (I can’t even remember what it was!); in response, he looked me in the eyes and smacked me in the face. I, in turn, slapped him back.
In each instance, I felt immediately awful for my actions. I love my child and would give me life for his health and happiness. Why then was I, on occasion, the cause of his agitation?
I was the mother, not the baby. Tantrums are for babies. These big, unchecked emotions are for babies. If I wanted to help my baby start to deal constructively with his emotions, then I had to model what that looks like. He wasn't a fully rational being and wouldn't be so for a long time. Why on earth would I expect him to listen to me and understand my reasoning?
For mom rage help, jump down to discover 7 powerful tips to manage your anger.
Why Do Mothers Get So Angry?
I filled pages and pages in my journals (and in my phone’s Notes app!), working through my feelings and identifying my triggers. Why do mothers get so angry, I wondered? I researched mom rage and read as many stories and articles as I could.
I came to discover that my rage, my wild, unrestrained anger, was itself a symptom of a lost sense of control. This loss of control triggered feelings of anxiety, depression, and a loss of a sense of identity.
My life, pre-baby, was one that I’d tightly orchestrated so that things would fall into place in the way I deemed optimal. When people or things weren’t working for me, I could either temporarily remove them from my life or cut them out completely.
A baby (or a toddler, etc.) isn’t down with your precise scheduling. It’s her way or the highway. You can’t temporarily remove them from your life or cut them out completely (nor do you want to!). And as much as you love her, you’re new at this whole not-being-in-control thing, and feelings of resentment understandable start to creep to the surface.
When you reach the point of exhaustion and you don’t feel like your own needs are being met or that you're getting the support you need (a common situation for mothers — more on that later ), well, it’s not surprising that you snap.
In fact, it’s completely natural. You are completely natural. You are not a monster. You are a mother.
The Cycle of Anger
Anger often works in a cycle, which compounds why mothers get so angry. This cycle also speaks to the symptoms of mom rage. It goes like this:
- Your child won't listen when you ask her to stop drawing on the wall, for example. Instead, she gleefully continues.
2. You question your abilities as a mother
3. You start to feel frustrated and angry
4. You yell, stomp, slam doors, swear
5. You feel ashamed of yourself for your tantrum, making you more vulnerable to new triggers
I found this cycle outlined via Psyched Mommy and thought it was super helpful.
7 Ways to Manage Mom Rage & Gain Control of Your Anger
When I feel my anger start to boil over, I strive to bring myself to a place of MINDFULNESS through what I’ve deemed the Stop, Breathe, Respond approach.
1. Stop, Breathe, Respond (SBR): An In-The-Moment Approach
STOP. Hit the pause button — do not yell, scream, or use physical force. Your child’s emotional intelligence and higher-order reasoning skills are still developing — don’t take their behavior personally and don’t expect to be able to reason with them.
Do not let yourself tantrum. Have grace with your child... and yourself.
If your child is in danger, i.e., they’ve almost run out into the street, remove the danger, then...
BREATHE. Inhale deeply and let it go — relax your jaw, release the tension from your body.
If you’re worried that you’re going to react in a way you might regret later, give yourself a time out in another room, so long as your child is safe. Otherwise, walk to a different part of the room and take a moment.
Firmly hold the length of your middle finger while you breathe; after a few breaths, switch fingers. In acupressure, this helps opens the Pericardium Meridian and balances emotions. You can also grab onto something sturdy nearby: the back of a sofa or the edge of a counter, for example. Doing so will help you ground yourself and channel your anger out of your body.
RESPOND. Meet your child with empathy. Respond, don’t react. What do they need? Verbalize their feelings, stay with them, hold them lovingly if that brings them (or you) comfort. Model the response you want them to internalize so that they can start to deal with their big feelings constructively.
2. Have a Calming Mantra
“Stop, Breathe, Respond” can also be a mantra that you repeat in the heat of the moment to bring your temperature down and center yourself.
Another mantra I love comes from Caitlin at Twin Mom and More:
“You will never regret staying calm.”
(A small suggestion: try swapping “you” with “I” when you say it to yourself: “I will never regret staying calm.”)
I think this is brilliant because it not only reminds you that your most effective response to your child is born from a place of calm, but it also introduces an element of accountability by suggesting that there are repercussions when you act otherwise.
We feel awful when we lose our shit on our kids. Kids are resilient and capable of so much forgiveness, but we also know that our outbursts are damaging when they start to become a more frequent fixture. They're not in the best interest of our child, ourselves, or our mother-child bond.
If we can become mindful of our emotions and chose calm when dealing with our children, we empower ourselves, rewire our brains, and set the stage for future “successes.” It’s a beautiful feedback loop that benefits everyone.
An Important Note. I’m NOT suggesting we repress our rage. Rather, we need to acknowledge it and understand why it’s taken root within us. Journaling is one way to explore this.
3. Journal to Work Through and Understand Your Mom Rage
Every time you feel or express mom rage, write about it later in your journal when you have a moment. Note what happened before, during, and after the episode. This will help you identify your triggers.
Do you get worked up when your child doesn’t listen? When they refuse to eat? When they won’t nap or when they wake up shortly after going down? Did you sleep miserably the night before the outburst? Did something happen between you and your husband earlier in the day? Did you have a work deadline looming? Were you hungry?
Identifying your triggers also helps you identify what needs of your own aren’t being met.
- Do you feel underappreciated?
- Do you feel that the work you do goes unnoticed?
- Do you feel that you shoulder more of the parental (and/or domestic) responsibilities?
- Do you feel nobody understands?
- Do you feel lonely or isolated?
- Do you feel overwhelmed by all that you have to do?
- Are you apprehensive about asking for help?
By identifying your triggers, you can stop your outbursts before they even happen by anticipating your child’s behavior and preparing yourself mentally (i.e., so that you react from a place of mindfulness)
By identifying your unmet needs, you can start to strategize the things you need to do — or that others need to do for you or with you — so that you can feel like a fuller, happier, more balanced version of yourself.
Certain unmet needs are, unfortunately, difficult to attend to as they are rooted in larger structural forces. Women, historically, have been shafted at work, haven't been given the (financial, social, emotional) support they need as mothers (both working or stay-at-home), and are expected to shoulder an ordinate proportion of emotional and domestic work.
Other Strategies that Offer Powerful Mom Rage Help:
4. Meditation
I wrote about Meditation Apps in an earlier post, but I actually think that Expectful is the best app for mothers (at all stages of motherhood). I listen to it before I go to bed at night.
5. Alone Time
Now, I get alone time for a few hours each morning while my son is at his nursery to work on my client projects. This is not the "alone time" I'm talking about. The alone time I'm talking about is time you get to focus on yourself, to do what you want to go or go where you want to go — by yourself and for yourself. Some days you might be limited to 10 minutes — take it! Don't underestimate the power of even the quickest recharge.
6. Asking for Help
When I feel overwhelmed and at my limit, I ask my husband for help. That can mean that he takes over as lead at bedtime, he takes our son out for a walk around the block, and so much more. Ask for help and be specific about what that help might look like.
7. Forgiveness
When I'm inordinately harsh on myself because I've let my mom rage get the better of me, I get depressed, I ruminate, I feel like a failure, and things get worse. But when I acknowledge my mistake and commit to learning from them, I feel more empowered to be the person and mother I want to be.
I hope this article has helped you with your feelings of mom rage. Know that you are not alone, you are far from "crazy" or "heartless," and there are powerful resources out there that can help.
