The Most Powerful Thing to Say When Your Toddler is Angry or Upset

If you live with a toddler or young child, then you live with someone whose emotions run high and who can get angry and upset pretty easily. Meltdowns, tantrums, outbursts, you name it.

A lot of things can set them off.

Sometimes their trigger might seem fairly reasonable to us adults (they fall and hurt themselves) and sometimes not so much (the siren we heard coming up behind us ended up being an ambulance's, not a fire truck's).

And sometimes the nature and magnitude of their reaction seems reasonable (crying when their friend pushes them down at the playground) and sometimes... er... not so much (fist-pounding the wall before falling to the ground when they learn that cookies are not on the menu for breakfast).

Developmentally, all of these behaviors are totally appropriate for children in this age group. Their prefrontal cortex, which governs rational thinking, isn’t fully developed yet (and it won’t be until 25, oof).

As a result, not only is logical reasoning difficult for them to grasp, but they also have trouble regulating their emotions. And because they’re still learning how things work and how to do things, frustrations abound.

Your Job as Parent: Validate Your Child's Feelings

Regardless of why our child is upset, our responsibility as parents is to put ourselves in her position and see the world through her eyes.

Our job is rooted in our empathy for her, which starts with acknowledging her feelings.

Your child feels upset. Telling her not to be upset is NOT going to change that. Telling her not to feel upset also undermines how she's feeling, confuses her, and hinders her ability to self-regulate.

We want her to come to understand her emotions — not repress, ignore, or redirect them — so that she can start to work through these feelings productively. And to understand them, she needs to first fully feel them.

(Check out my post on toddler TANTRUMS if you want to learn a life-changing approach to handling your child's more intense meltdowns.)

An Illuminating Exercise for Parents

Imagine you’re working away at your laptop. Maybe you’re about to start a Zoom call with your boss.

You reach over to grab the handle of your mug, but you pick it up awkwardly and the mug's weight shifts in your hand. Suddenly, there is a pool of hot, milky coffee all over your keyboard. Then, your screen goes blank.

You’d probably start crying, swearing, and legit freaking out. I know I would.

Now, imagine that your partner looks over and says, “Ack, how are you so clumsy? You should have never put your coffee mug on the same table as your computer. You need to be more careful. This is going to cost us hundreds of dollars to fix.”

How fantastically UNHELPFUL would that type of response be? What you need in that moment is support, not someone passing judgment, reprimanding you, or pointing out that you should have done something this way (not that way) or that you should feel a particular way.

So, back to your child. Imagine that you're outside, walking down a sidewalk that has become slick in the rain. Seconds after you caution her to be careful, she starts skipping erratically, then slips, falls down, and starts crying hysterically. She's hurt her knee, but you can tell she's not injured.

Put yourself in her position. How would you feel if this happened to you and someone you loved said to you, “I told you to be careful. This is what happens when you don't listen. Please calm down and let's get you up"?

It wouldn’t feel good.

The Magical Phrase to Say to Your Child When She's Upset

Get down to your child's level. Open up your body toward her and, if she's receptive to your touch, maybe put your hand on her shoulder or hold her. Look her in the eyes if possible and say:

“You really didn’t want that to happen, did you, sweetheart? You weren't expecting that. That hurt! Ouch!"

Depending on the situation and what's happened, you could also say:

“You really didn’t want things to go that way, sweetie, huh?” or some such.

When I first started doing this with my son, I was amazed by how effectively it calmed him down. Almost without fail, he starts wiping away his tears a minute or two later.

With these words, you instantly acknowledge your child’s feelings. You get it. They’re upset — that's makes total sense. You see their big emotions, you see their frustrations, you see them, and you're staying right there with them while they ride that wave.

These words from you help your child cope when things don't go as expected. They remind him that, in life, mistakes happen and things sometimes don't often go as planned. But that's OK. We can't have complete control over everything, as much as we might want to.

What we do have control over, however, is how we react. And your calm, supportive presence helps reinforce the measured reaction that will help him in the future. Your calm, supportive presence also shows his that he's not alone in his feelings. That his feelings are always valid.

But What About Building Problem-Solving Skills?

Wait a second, you say. How does this teach a child to problem solve? Won’t this reinforce learned helplessness? Won't my child just keep falling on slippery sidewalks (or whatever the trigger is) if we don't discuss how to do things the "right" way, for example?

No ma’am.

When our child is worked up, she's not in a good headspace to start solving problems. She has to first come down from her big feelings.

Then, when she's feeling more even-keeled, we can start to talk about ways of handling or resolving her particular pain point.

Jumping immediately into "problem-solving mode" directs them away from their emotions, which can invalid those feelings or create a situation where a child is unable to work through their emotions.

What our child needs from us when she's upset is to be seen. She doesn't need solutions.

Bonus: Long-Term Emotional Self-Regulation

By being with her, quietly and without judgment, as she experiences and then comes down from her big feelings, we’re modelling emotional regulation for her. The more we offer our calm, supportive presence in the midst of chaos, the more she will get the hang of regulating her emotions so that one day, she's able to start doing it by herself (though mom will always be there!).

To Sum Up

When your toddler or young child is upset because of something that did or didn't happen, validate and acknowledge her feelings.

Say: “You really didn’t want that to happen”

Avoid:

• Showing irritation or getting angry (check out my post on Mom Rage)
• Getting defensive ("I told you...")
• Calling her “sensitive,” “impatient,” “short-tempered,” etc.
• Invalidating her feelings (by trying to immediately problem solve or by distracting, redirecting, or chastising)

I hope this helps you and leaves you feeling empowered. Let me know if you have any questions or anything to add!

If you're interested in learning about managing toddler TANTRUMS, check out my post here.