Ignoring Your Child, and Other Things NOT To Do During a Toddler Temper Tantrum

Sometimes when you’re in a tricky situation (like a certain someone has entered full-blown temper tantrum mode in the middle of the cereal aisle), it can actually be more helpful to think about what NOT to do. Like ignoring you child.

I typically like to stay positive and pay attention to what I can do in a given situation. More specifically, I like to ask myself: What can I do to handle this temper tantrum?

That's because when you focus on how to respond productively to your child's unwanted behavior, you, as a parent, feel empowered and in charge.

But sometimes, when your own emotions are running high, it can become super important to check yourself and remember what isn’t helpful in the moment.

Our children’s “irrational” behaviors and demands can be insanely triggering. It can be so easy to let our own fatigue, frustrations, anxieties, and even anger get the better of us. We’re only human.

How to Deal with Toddler Tantrums: Two Important Truths About Your Child

You and your child see the world through different lenses. 

But remember, when your child is having a tantrum:

• They’re not purposively being “irrational.”
  • Rather, their prefrontal cortexes haven’t fully developed yet, and so their reasoning skills are, well, not very skillful. Pretty crappy, in fact. 
• They’re not intentionally trying to get under your skin.
  • They have big feelings and emotions that sometimes feel way too big for their body. This, in turn, can lead to epic outbursts and meltdowns. They haven’t yet developed the toolkit to productively deal with these confusing, uncomfortable, even scary sensations.

It’s so, so important to keep these truths in mind, to really internalize them and make them part of your mindset.

But when we’re triggered, and when find ourselves on the cusp of shouting, grabbing, scolding, or doing/saying something we might later regret, reminding ourselves that we should NOT react a certain way can be really powerful.

Telling yourself “no” in the moment gives you the opportunity to pause and briefly reassess your options.

In turn, you can start to more effectively determine how to deal with a toddler temper tantrum.

10 Things Not To Do When Your Child is Having a Tantrum

When your toddler or older child is having a temper tantrum, do not...

1. Mirror their emotions by getting worked up yourself (an escalated parent cannot deescalate a child)
   
2. Demand that they stop crying / whining 
   
3. Scold them and send them to them to their bedroom, leaving them to deal with their feelings by themselves
   
4. Walk away because you can’t handle their behavior. Do not ignore a temper tantrum; ignoring temper tantrums does not work. More specifically, ignoring a tantruming child does not work. Leaving them alone with their big, potentially scary and overwhelming feelings just compounds the problem.
   (**Big caveat here: If you feel so enraged that feel like you might get physical, please, immediately remove yourself from the situation, making sure your child is in a safe place, and take a moment for yourself)
   
5. See their feelings and behaviors as a reflection of your parenting (they ain't!) or taking their tantrum as a personal attack or affront (it's not!)
   
6. Tell them that their behavior is making you sad or upset (check out number 1 in this post)
   
7. Redirect and/or distract them (“guess what! we’re getting ice cream later!”) in an effort to avoid the meltdown
   
8. Tell them how they should feel (“There’s no reason to be so upset!” or “don’t be angry!”)
   
9. Try to "fix" their emotions ("I don't want you to feel sad! That's not good! What can we do to make you feel better?")
   [Note: While we want to be a calm and supportive presence for our children, we also want them to start to understand that it's okay to feel sad, upset, angry, etc. — that all emotions are okay and not something to be feared or repressed...]
   
10. Invalidate their emotions, experience, or perspective (“you’re being ridiculous right now,” “don’t be such a baby,” “it’s only a pigeon, it can’t hurt you”

If you’re looking for more insight on WHY you shouldn’t be doing the above in the face of a temper tantrum — and what you can do instead — read my post on tantrums here. 

Also related and very useful is my post on common parenting phrases that you have to stop saying to your child.

Finally, if you’re struggling with feelings of anger yourself, check out my post on Mom Rage here. It includes the single-most powerful thing you can say to yourself to keep yourself CALM in high-stress situations.

You’ve got this, mama!