How To Be A Good Mother
How can you be a good mother? What does it even mean to be a “good mother”?
It’s such a simple question, and yet such a loaded one. People have very strong beliefs about this topic and about parenting in general, so the opinions are practically infinite.
Scroll down to see my two "are you a good mom" questions...
And, in the age of social media, when you can easily peek inside the lives of literally millions of different families — including “influencers” — it can be difficult to not play the comparison game. Heck, it’s difficult not to play the comparison game even without social media.
From brands to influencers, mothers-in-law, friends, other parents at daycare, and beyond, we are sent signals ALL the time about what the picture of perfect motherhood looks like.
The glut of advice on how to be a good mother, both tacit and not, is truly overwhelming and can start to make you question yourself and your choices. This self-doubt can in turn lead to feelings of anxiety, depression, shame, guilt, and more. Ironically, this all takes away from your ability to be present and confident as a parent.
I truly believe, however, that there are only TWO things you need to be a good mom. Not only are they refreshing and inspiring, but that will make you sigh with relief. And they're free to boot.
I’ll get to them soon. But first, let’s talk about what you DON’T need.
25+ Things You Don’t Need to Be a Good Mother
Perfectly balanced, homemade lunches and dinners every time
Regularly planned toddler crafts activities
Children who regularly listen and cooperate
Fancy, store-bought baby and toddler toys that promote cognitive development
A tidy home and a toy-organization system
A stylish nursery or bedroom with cute decor
Extracurricular activities like baby sing-a-longs and toddler piano lessons
Children who hit all their milestones
Decorations up for every holiday
The perfect/optimal response to your children’s behavior all the time
A weekly meal plan or menu
The "perfect" nuclear family
To potty train at 24 months
A passion for playing with your children
To never experience feelings of resentment, frustration, or rage
Cute, stain-free children’s clothing
Framed and hung family photos throughout your home
To breastfeed
Children who don’t whine, cry, scream, or throw tantrums
Expensive, progressive nurseries or daycares
Organic, non-GMO food
Separate bedrooms for your children (heck, even a room separate from your own)
To sleep train... or not to sleep train
Amazon Prime
Regularly scheduled playdates
To quit work... or not to quit work
While some of the above items are indeed nice and perhaps helpful (depending on whom you ask), they’re not absolutely necessary. Your child can thrive without them. You can be a good mom without them.
Now, as for the things that you do need? Well, as I mentioned earlier, there are only two of them, they’re related, and they’re free.
How to Be a Good Mother in Two Steps
It's as simple as this...
1. Love and respect your child.
I truly believe that having love and respect for your child is all you need to be a good mother.
In fact, I might even go so far as to say that you only need to have respect for your child to be a good mom.
Whoa, whoa, are you insane? You don’t need to love your child to be a good mom?
Well, here's the thing. Yes, I think love and affection are crucial ingredients for a successful long-term relationship that allows your child to thrive.
BUT, hear me out. Some mothers take longer to bond with their babies than others. They don’t feel an overwhelming sense of love and adoration immediately postpartum.
Having a baby totally upends one’s life, and surging/plummeting hormones, rollercoaster emotions, and countless external forces can create a situation where mama and baby don’t bond right away. But that doesn’t mean she’s not a good mom, especially if she does have respect for her child.
So what does it mean to have respect for your child?
- It means listening to them carefully and attentively (even when they’re preverbal) so that you can understand, acknowledge, and meet their actual needs (note: we don't only not want to miss their cues but also to not misinterpret them through projection, impatience, etc.).
- It means speaking with them genuinely, conversationally, and kindly, as if they were a “whole” person — because they already are!
- It means giving them space, freedom, and autonomy to explore without interruption or interference (so long as they’re safe).
- It means not shutting down their big feelings but letting those feelings play out (with your compassionate presence) so that they can begin to explore self-regulation.
At the end of the day, having genuine respect for your child ticks most of the "good mom" boxes. There's one more piece of the puzzle though...
2. Love and respect yourself.
Having love and respect for yourself sets you up as a “good mom” in two powerful ways:
(a) You become a heathy role model for your child
Children learn most by modeling our behavior, and you are your child’s biggest role model. If they see you loving and respecting yourself, there’s a good chance they will develop the tools to love and respect themselves.
This fosters self-confidence, independence, resilience, knowledge of personal boundaries, and empathy.
So when you put on your bathing suit to head to the pool, say something along the lines of: Wow, I love my body! It is strong and lets me do fun things with you, life go swimming.
You can even use this to communicate: I feel tired right now. I'm
(b) It boosts your overall patience, inner peace, and ability to be present
When we love and respect ourselves, we also tend to be more patient and forgiving with ourselves.
As a result, we experience less self-blame and guilt, which means we can focus more on living in the present with our children, with fewer distractions and hang-ups.
Patience with ourselves can foster patience with our children.
By staying calm and collected when our children inevitably get worked up — whining, tantrums, meltdowns, you name it — we help our children through a process of emotional co-regulation. They can see, feel, and absorb our calm energy as they work through their big feelings.
Remember, an escalated adult can not de-escalate an already escalated child.
The Two Most Important Questions to Ask Yourself
- Do you respect your child?
- Do you respect yourself? (OR: Are you WORKING toward learning to respect yourself?)
If you can answer "yes" to these two questions, then that's all that matters.
You've got this. xo
Read my posts on mom range and managing your children's behavior if you're looking for related resources!
Right this way...
How to Overcome Your Mom Rage
How to Effectively Manage Your Child's Whining
