Things To Never Say To Your Child
There are certain things we should never say to our children. Yesterday I was at the playground with my son when I overheard a caregiver (I’m not sure if she was a nanny, babysitter, or even a family member or friend) chastising a little boy. He was no more than 4, likely closer to 3, and had been acting like a typical preschooler.
I’d witnessed him saying “No” a few times and behaving somewhat defiantly. Nothing he'd done was out of the ordinary — in fact, it was pretty tame to my mind.
All of sudden, the caregiver swooped in, yanked him out of the playground, and started saying: “You’re behaving very badly. You’re very bad. That’s not nice. You’re not nice. You’re hurting my feeling. When we get home, I’m telling Mommy and Daddy that you’ve been very bad. You’re a very bad boy”
She went on and on like this — we’re talking upwards of 5 minutes, if not longer. She just wouldn’t let it go, her arms folded over her chest as she looked down at him and pouted.
Neither the length of her punishment nor the things she was saying to him fit the “crime.” In fact, in no context would I think her words to him were effective, productive, or appropriate. Ever.
This is of course a matter of opinion, but I’ll explain my reasoning below.
The point, however, is that the words you use with your children matter deeply. There are certain things you should never say to your child. Some of these things are actually quite surprising but ultimately quite hurtful.
The Words We Use With Our Children Matter Deeply: Things Parents Say That Hurt
I tried to put myself in the boy’s position and wondered how he must feel. Dejected? Misunderstood? Frustrated? Sad? All of these things? If this caregiver spoke to him repeatedly this way, did he, or was he starting to, believe that he really was in fact a bad boy who was inherently inferior and unworthy?
Part of me wishes I could go back and tell him that he wasn't really a bad boy. In the moment, the stigma of intervening in other people’s parenting held me back. I also didn’t know who she was, what her relationship to the family was, or what the larger context looked like. At the same time, I knew that what she was doing wasn’t right. And you speak up when something isn’t right. (I wouldn’t have stayed quiet if I’d heard an adult stranger speak to another adult stranger that way. I wouldn’t have let a stranger torment her dog that way…)
Read More: How We Speak to Our Kids Becomes How They Speak to Themselves: Positive Affirmations for Kids
The above example is pretty extreme. For most us, this woman's words are blatantly wrong — it's clear you'd never say this to your child.
But sometimes things are not so clear cut. Sometimes we say things that (1) we believe are truly productive in helping manage our children’s behavior, or (2) we think are completely innocent. But certain seemingly effective or innocent choices are actually rather insidious and can actually backfire, leading to more resistance and defiance, as well as a diminished sense of self-worth and self-confidence.
Below I go through some phrases you may be using (I know I have — #2 especially, oof!) and why they don’t work.
First though I want to emphasize that there’s absolutely no shame here! Parenting in one huge learning curve and, thankfully, there are some truly powerful resources out there to help you and your child start getting into a healthy groove.
Things You Should Never Say to Your Child — And Why
1. “Awww, that hurts Mommy’s feelings”
...when your child says “go away!” or “I hate you,” or tries to hit (or full on hits) you when they’re angry about your decision.
I’ve said this exact phrase before, and probably on a few occasions. It makes me cringe now thinking about it, but at the time, I thought saying this would help my son develop empathy. After all, if my husband or best friend did something to me that was rude or disrespectful, I’d sure as sh*t tell them that their actions hurt my feelings.
But unlike my child, my husband and my best friend are adults who have had years and years to develop their emotional intelligence. Their prefrontal cortex is fully formed. They already understand empathy.
My husband and best friend are also my peers. My child is not. There is a serious imbalance of power in my relationship with my son that (in theory) should not exist with a peer.
When we say something like “that hurts Mommy’s feelings” or “you make me so sad,” we are fostering emotional codependency. We are telling our child: “You are the cause of my pain and distress” and “you need to make it better.”
No dice. In the parent-child relationship, it is the parent who is responsible for his or her own feelings — never the child. This is because (1) our child’s emotional intelligence isn’t fully developed, and (2) the parent always wields more power. Words like this don’t create empathy, they manipulate and create discomfort, confusion, and fear. Our child may start to feel uncertain about expressing her true feelings as a result.
Instead Try:
“I won’t let you hit me. I see that you’re upset and having a tough time right now, and that’s okay. But I will not let you hit.”
2. “I’m leaving now. Bye.”
...when your child refuses to leave the playground / her friend’s house / the spot on the sidewalk where she’s sat down and taken up permanent residence.
It's probably one of the most heavily used ones on this list of things to never say to your child.
In fact, it's another one I’ve used in the past. A lot. Eek!
I get it. You’re at your wits’ end. You’ve got to get moving to wherever you have to go, but your kid. won’t. budge.
It’s a harmless threat, right? Deep down, your child knows you’re not really going to leave them.
Actually, no.
Kids are pretty literal. So even if this threat doesn’t motivate your kid to come with you, I assure you that it’s still a spooky thought to her, and even spookier that her mama is the one saying it. (And even if it does get her moving, don’t use it for the same reasons.)
Abandonment is a top fear for children. Avoid going there.
Another message this sends to kids is that their feelings and desires don’t matter. They're refusing to leave because they want to keep doing what they’re doing — they're having fun and the thought of leaving makes them sad. Fair enough. But by abruptly saying we’re leaving, we fail to acknowledge their desires and feelings. This doesn't mean we give in but rather than we recognize where they're coming from.
Instead Try:
"You really want to stay here! It’s tough to leave when you’re having so much fun. I totally get that. Let’s come back soon, maybe even this weekend! But right now, we have to go home."
3. ”You don’t need to be scared of the dark [or whatever it is]! There’s nothing to be scared of, I promise.”
...when your child expresses fear.
Regardless of what’s triggering the fear and whether it seems rational or not, telling your child there’s nothing to be scared of doesn’t make her any less scared. It makes her mistrust her body.
Oh, I feel scared inside my body but Mommy is telling me that I shouldn’t really be scared. My body must be wrong.
No! We want our kids to trust themselves and their intuition.
Rather, let’s validate their feelings while also trying to instill confidence and a sense of security in them.
Try instead:
“I can see that you’re scared. It’s okay to feel that way. You’re safe. Did I ever tell you that I was scared of the dark, too, once…”
4. “Aw. You’re okay!”
...when your child falls or somehow hurts herself.
The impulse to say “you’re okay” is more often than not rooted in your desire to soothe your child. You want them to know that they’ll be fine. This too shall pass. (The other less desirable way in which people say this is to encourage a child to just brush it off; stop crying, you’re just fine.)
When a child has an accident, they get upset because they’re actually in pain, because what happened to them was scary, and/or because what happened to them was unexpected and came as a big surprise.
When we say “you’re okay” right away, we inadvertently invalidate all of those feelings and experiences. Actually, our child isn’t technically okay, and they’re showing us this very clearly.
A more effective way to soothe your child is to acknowledge their feelings and the circumstances that led them to feel that way.
Try instead:
“Ouch, you fell down! You weren’t expecting that. That hurts!”
5. “You have to finish your dinner in order to have dessert”
...or "two more bites, please" or “this is so yummy, give it a try!” or “you haven’t eaten enough today, please eat a few more bites; I’m worried you’re going to be hungry” or “peas are so healthy and good for you — they’ll make you feel strong!”
These puppies are so hard to break! We want our kiddos to be well-nourished for optimal growth, development, and general well-being.
We also really don’t want any hangry spirals later on.
BUT. Research tells us that picky eating is exacerbated by high parental involvement during mealtime. You heard right. Encouraging your kid to eat just makes him a “worse” eater. Talk about back-fire city.
This is another example of how bribes and threats don't work in the long term.
Try instead:
“It’s dinner time. Let’s all head to the table to eat.”
Then, Nothing. Unceremoniously put their food down on the table. Maybe even put dessert on the plate with their dinner. (This implodes hierarchies between “good” and “bad” foods, making “bad” foods seem less desirable/forbidden.) Include a “safe” food that you’ll know that they’ll eat, so at least they’ll have something in their bellies.
And maybe, when they appear to have finished their meal, try:
“All done for now? Okay. It’s important to listen to what your body is telling you. We’ll have snack time when we get back from the pharmacy.”
The Key Thing to Keep In Mind When Speaking to Your Child
We can't be perfect all the time — nor do we want to. But we do want to strive to be the best we can be for our children, so that they can feel secure in themselves and in us as their trusty leader.
The most important question to ask yourself when speaking to your child is this: Is what I'm saying respectful?
Think about it: is the subtext of your words subtly dismissive or manipulative?
If it's not respectful, don't say it. Shift your words (and tone) until you land somewhere that respects your child and their feelings and desires, even if you are imposing a boundary.
How we speak to our kids becomes how they speak to and think about themselves. Let's help them build an inner voice that sings with confidence and resilience.
I hope this list of things you should never say to your child has been helpful and illuminating. You've got this!