This Is How to Get Your Kids to Listen

I hear a lot of parent friends say, “Ugh, my kid just won’t listen!”

This one makes me laugh. I mean, not laugh laugh — it’s super frustrating when our children “don’t listen.” 

Rather, I chuckle ever so slightly because, our kids are, I assure you, listening. They hear us loud and clear.

What they're not doing is cooperating.

Kids Listen When They Like What's On Offer

Children are happy to cooperate when they like what you’re proposing. Take the following requests, for example.

• Please change out of your bathing suit so we can get in the car and go get ice cream.
• Before we meet up with Lily at the playground, we have to take the trash downstairs.
• Let's tidy up the living room and put away the toys so we can put on Frozen.

These types of requests are probably music to most kids' ears. Clear the duplos off the couch so we can sit down and watch Frozen? Heck, I'll wet vac the carpet for you, too, Mama! (OK, I wish.)

Children are less willing to cooperate, however, when they don’t like what you’re proposing.

• It’s time to stop playing now and get ready for school. 
• Screen time is over. Please turn off the iPad.
• Please help me put all these blocks back into the basket.

As parents, our role involves setting boundaries and creating routines. That means that our children often have to do things that they don’t want to do — or don’t always get to do the things that they do want to do. Either way, we're thwarting their plans.

So how do you get them to cooperate even when you're getting in the way of their wants and desires? How do you get your kid to listen, aka cooperate?

The secret is this: Connection Fosters Cooperation.

How Does Connection Foster Cooperation?

Think about it. The more you feel connected with and close to a particular person, the more you are likely to comply with that person’s requests.

We are much more likely to honor our partner’s requests when we feel seen and loved. We are also much more likely to follow through (well) on a boss’s request when we feel valued and respected. 

The same goes for children.

As an aside, it's important to note that we also comply with others' requests when we feel threatened or intimidated by them. While powerful, fear-based tactics are also deeply harmful and lead to extrinsic rather than intrinsic (or self-directed) motivation. We'd never want to consciously use them on our children. Such tactics erode connection and result in a whole host of negative outcomes: mistrust, self-doubt, anxiety, codependence, and so on.

By fostering connection, we strengthen our parent-child bond while also paving the way for increased cooperation, mutual respect, and empathy. At the same time, we reduce the frequency of conflicts and resistance.

Just remember though, it’s sooo healthy for kids to be resistant and to test boundaries from time to time. This is their way of expressing themselves and cultivating opinions and boundaries of their own (which will be super valuable when they need to stand up for themselves). So don’t expect resistance to completely disappear! You don't actually want it to (I can't believe I just typed that).

Gentle Reminder: Still Expect Some Resistance

Even when you've done all that is in your power to strengthen your connection with your child, they are STILL going to push back at times.

And that's OK. Even good, I might argue. Pushing back your child's way of testing boundaries and learning what those boundaries are.

We also want our kids to have opinions of their own. We want them to be assertive — this is especially true later in life, when they'll need to stand up for themselves in certain tricky situations.

So let's not strive to turn our children into compliant robots, because that's really not what we want. Our goal should be a healthy level of cooperation.

8 Ways to Promote Connection with Your Child (aka "How to Get Your Kid to Listen"):

1. “Magic” Time

“Magic” or “Special” one-on-one Time with your child is key to healthy attachment and forging a strong connection. If you’re super busy with work or are managing multiple children (or both), try to incorporate this Special Time with your child into your schedule.

At least one or twice a week, choose 10 or 15 minutes in the morning, in the evening, or on the weekend when you’re free or when another caregiver can watch the other little ones. Put that time on your calendar and/or put a reminder in your phone.

Do something with your child that he loves (though stay away from screens). Let him lead. Make him the focus of your undivided, distraction-free attention. This is the very CORE of this Special Time. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing really; it’s about giving to your child your full presence.

So take any and all of your anxieties and worries and put them in a mental box and close the lid. Consider even putting your phone into a box (a physical one), or maybe a drawer or up on a shelf.

Be with your child and be present. He will feel like the center of your whole world, and he will love it. You will too.

2. Minimize distractions as much as possible

Special Time is super important. But we can’t be in that intense, one-on-one “zone” all the time — nor would we want to! We have our own thing to do, and so do our babies. 

What we can do, however, is try to minimize distractions throughout the day so that our children can benefit from our presence, attention, and engagement when it’s needed.

For example, do you need to be scrolling Instagram while you’re walking to the grocery store with your child? Or do your own worries (ah, I’m not sure how I’m going to get done all that I need to do today!) interfere with your ability to listen to your child when she asks you a question? Does your anxiety negatively impact how you react to your kids?

I’m not saying that we should never scroll Insta or that we should repress our worries, just that we should make attempts to stop the mental multi-tasking. Consider going down an Insta hole when your child is napping or playing independently, or when you’re alone. Create routines and schedules that set you up for success and minimize your stress or help you avoid getting sucking in by distraction.

3. Tell your child you love them

I tell my son I love him all the time. This is what children need to thrive: our unconditional love. There are other ways to say I love you, too.

Check out my list of parent-led affirmations here. Two of my favorites are: Your thoughts and feelings matter to me and I hear you, and I trust you. 

4. Show up for your child when they’re upset

When your child gets upset, the most effective thing you can do for her is to be present and to stay calm.

Sit with her. Hold her if that’s what she's indicating she wants. Don’t pass judgement, don’t offer solutions. What she need in that moment is to be seen (by you!) and have her feelings validated by you! All feelings are valid, even the seemingly irrational ones.

Check out my related posts on managing big emotions:

Learn about tantrums: A Simple, Game-Changing Approach to Tantrums.
Learn about whining: 3 Sanity-Saving Ways to Handle Your Child's Whining.
Learn about upset feelings: The is the Most Powerful Thing to Say When Your Child is Upset.

Showing up for your child when they're upset fosters connection and leads to better listening because it shows her that you support her even when she has big emotions. You don't just delight in your fun times together, you also always show up when she is sad, angry, and frustrated.

She is a whole person, and you show up for ALL of her.

5. Shower your child physical affection/connection

Most children love to be touched by someone they trust. That person is likely you, a partner, another caregiver, or a close friend.

Hold hands, hug, kiss, wrestle, tickle, do airplane, massage his temples or rub his back, let him sit in your lap, hold him when his upset — whatever your child says or shows you he wants. 

Physical affection also releases the hormone oxytocin, also known as the “love hormone” or the “cuddle hormone” (read all about it in my post on boosting your happy hormones here), which plays a central role in bonding.

Need more convincing that touch is a powerful means of connection?

Just think about babies! Most neonatal medical providers and OBGYNs recommend skin-to-skin in the immediate period following birth as it’s associated with a wide range of truly mind-boggling benefits. 

Evidence from studies on skin-to-skin shows that it stabilizes newborns’ temperature, blood glucose, and cardiorespiratory functioning, decreases their crying, and decreases their pain levels. For preterm newborns, skin-to-skin improves growth, among other benefits, many of which are likely to apply to full-term babies as well. Skin-to-skin also improves mother-baby bonding and improves mama’s emotional wellbeing.

This is just a short synopsis of the truly staggering physiological and emotional benefits associated with this practice. 

The point is: it’s safe to say that touch will deepen your connection with your child. 

6. Enjoy a bit of humor

Humor is a surefire way to your child’s heart and toward building connection. Kids love to laugh and be amused.

The best part? They’re so easy to please! A weird sound, a funny face, a silly dance or song, heck even saying something contrarian or completely ridiculous (for example: I took a shower in chocolate this morning! Do I taste good?) will set them into a fit of giggles.

When we use humor with our kids, they relax, they feel safe and happy, they open up, they let us in, and they experience a sense of connection and closeness. 

7. Create special or amusing rituals for just the two of you

Did you and your childhood bestie have a secret handshake or sign that you used to communicate with? Or maybe you and your partner have an inside joke? No doubt about it, these private exchanges build connection and closeness. 

Try a secret signal, codeword, or ritual with your child! It’ll work in the same way.

Off the top of my head, I can think of three private rituals my son (who’s just turned 3) and I share:

• When my son or I say something that the other person finds silly or funny, we look at each other with a sly smile and say “Whatever you saaay” and laugh (I have no idea how this got started, but he LOVES it).
• Our non-verbal signal for “I love you” is to create a heart shape with our hands and place it over our chests. We use it to say goodbye a lot, or when we’re on opposite sides of the playground, for example, and out of hearing range. 
• When we wake up in the morning and I open the shades, I say in a super enthusiastic voice: “What a beautiful day! The sun is shining and the birds are singing!” Or, if it’s gloomy: “The clouds are so gorgeous today — they look like a big, cozy, fluffy blanket!” It's a little ritual that boosts us both.

8. Before making a request, make your child feel seen

Before you ask your child to do something she might not want to do, try acknowledging her and what she's currently doing. Your child will be much more cooperative if she feels seen. This, in turn, will make her feel respected (remember that boss example from earlier?).

• Hi, lovie. I see that you’re enjoying playing with your duplos right now. That fire station you’ve built is incredible! But it’s time now to start our bedtime routine. Let’s go to the bathroom. We can get the duplos out first thing in the morning. 
• I can see how much fun you’re having searching for worms in the garden, sweetie pie. When I was a kid I loved potato bugs — did I ever tell you that? Maybe you can help me find a potato bug later this afternoon, if that sounds good. Right now we have to get our shoes on and go pick up Josie from school.

Both of the above examples acknowledge what your child is doing, maybe offer a brief observation or anecdote about yourself (empathy), before moving forward with the request.

A forceful demand, especially out of the blue, is more likely to backfire.

Getting Your Kids to Listen, In Sum:

Connection can be fostered in hundreds of different ways, from grand gestures to small moments. They build up over time to forge a bond with your child that’s based on trust, respect, appreciation, and resilience.

And with that comes increased cooperation and less conflict and resistance.

You got this, mama.