The Secret to Parenting (and Staying Sane & Happy)

We have to talk about the secret to parenting. You know, the one that helps you parent effectively while also keeping you sane and happy, even as your Little Ones run circles around your feet, bite their siblings, back-talk, and refuse to go to bed, even though it's past 9 p.m.

At the heart of this secret to parenting lies the very thing that EMPOWERS you most as a parent. 

It took me way too long to figure out what this secret was. I suppose that's why it's a secret. It's not something that anyone tells you.

Shouting and "Wielding Power"

At the beginning of my parenthood journey, I thought that in order to “wield power” and “maintain control” in my home I had to shout. I didn’t love shouting. But I'd been conditioned to believe that it was the only way to assert my authority.

Boy, was I wrong. Shouting and yelling use fear to attempt to change or put a stop to a child’s unwanted behavior. And as we know, fear-based tactics do not work. In fact, they can big-time backfire. 

I was looking at parenting from the completely wrong perspective. I didn’t need to “wield power.” Trying to “wield power” is future and only going to get you locked into ugly and unproductive power struggles with your child.

Power vs. Empowerment

Over time, and after intensive research, I’ve discovered that what I should be striving for as a parent is not power but empowerment. 

POWER: “possession of control, authority, or influence over others” (M-W)

EMPOWERMENT:  “the state of being empowered to do something: the power, right, or authority to do something”; to empower is to “promote the self-actualization or influence of” (M-W)

Do you see the difference between the two?

Power is about coercing someone to do something. Power's mechanism is focused on the other person (the child).

Empowerment is about being granted or better yet granting yourself the ability to self actualize (and thus realize your full potential, fully understand yourself, and become who and what you want to be). Empowerment's mechanism is focused on you (the parent). 

You can read more about self-actualization and Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs here.

We know that we cannot control other people, least of all our children. We can keep them safe and we can love them unconditionally, but we cannot control what they do or how they behave. 

So what's the key to empowerment, or self-actualization, as a parent?

The Secret to Parenting

OK, let's get down to brass tacks. The secret to parenting is remaining calm. 

Remaining calm is the source and root of your empowerment.

What, are you batsh*t? How can I remain calm when my 2-year-old makes eye contact with me as he purposefully spills his bowl of cereal all over the floor? How can I remain calm when my 3-year-old purposefully pinches her infant brother… hard?

Why You Should Remain Calm

Whereas remaining calm when your child is acting up elicits so many benefits, yelling, shouting, and going bonkers has zilch. zero. nada.

• An escalated parent cannot de-escalate an escalated child. I read this once and thought it was among the most brilliant points ever made. If we are shouting and yelling, why wouldn't we expect shouting and yelling from our children? Our behavior is contagious
  
• When we stay calm, we model the response to stresses and frustrations that we hope our children will one day internalize and emulate. By staying calm for our children, we help them start to regulate their emotions.  
  
• Our children often display unwanted behaviors in a bid to get a big reaction from us. When we give them this, we feed the flame, stoke the fire, and inadvertently prolong and perhaps intensify the unwanted behavior.
  
• You can easily scare your child when you yell and shout. Maybe they stop the unwanted behavior (that's why we yell in the first place), but they do so out of fear, NOT because of some rational realization they've had or in response to some internal ethical compass you've nurtured. Fear makes for a terrible teacher.
  
• Our children are NOT fully rational beings yet; their prefrontal cortext is still developing, and will continue to for some time. Yelling is an outsize reaction that does not match the “crime,” because, at the end of the day, your child does not fully understand the full scope of their behaviors.

How to Remain Calm

OK, but what does it mean to remain calm? And better yet, how do you remain calm?

Remaining calm is not about giving in to your child’s demands. It’s also not about being permissive or letting things “slide.”

No, staying calm is the ultimate act of staying in control. We cannot control our children. But we can control our emotions and reactions. 

Steps for Staying Calm and in Control

I go over a number of calming techniques in this post, but one of my favorites for immediate in-the-moment calm involves a three-step process.

1. STOP: Hit the pause button. Do not immediately react — if you do, you may find yourself shouting or worse. Don’t take their behavior personally and don’t expect to be able to reason with them.
   
2. BREATHE: Inhale at the way to your diaphragm and then let it go. Relax your jaw, release the tension from your body, close your eyes even.
   
3. RESPOND: Meet your child with empathy and consider what they need in that moment. If they're doing something dangerous or destructive, calmly but sternly tell them: No biting. I will not let you bite, for example. Verbalize their feelings or frustrations. Offer a brief alternative to their unwanted behavior, but keep it brief. Responding, which involves guidance and empathy, is the opposite of reacting.

So stay in control, stay calm, and meet your irrational child with a reasonable and focused response. 

If you’re interested in learning more about how to respond to your child’s unwanted behaviors, take a look at my guide to Related Consequences. This article offers great insight into the difference between discipline and punishment. 

It took me a while to figure this one out. It’s so simple, and yet I struggled to see it for the longest time. Why?

Why Do We Shout?

We shout and yell for a whole host of reasons, some of the biggest include:

• Mom rage, mental health struggles, and postpartum anxiety and depression
  
• Exhaustion
  
• Attempting to recoup authority after a perceived loss of control
  
• Your parents shouted

Regaining Control as a Parent

The only control you can wield as a parent is over yourself. When you remain calm, you empower yourself to be the best parent you can be and the best version of yourself. When we remain calm, we can begin to guide our children, encouraging behavior that is effective and productive without reinforcing unwanted behaviors.

I'm not saying it's easy, but this secret to parenting will change your life. It has for me. Not only to a see positive gains within my own child but I also feel healthier, happier, and more stable. And that, ultimately, benefits my child in return.

Check out my post on Mom Rage and Anger issues if you're interested in learning more about staying calm. My post on Managing Tantrums also offers super useful advice.

You've got this!