10 Things That Are NOT Your Job As A Parent

When I became a parent, I didn’t really, truly understand what the job and its responsibilities entailed.

I knew of course that my primary jobs was taking care of my child's basic needs: food, shelter, safety. I also knew it was my duty — and desire — to show up for and unconditionally love my child. But I also had a ton of misconceptions about what motherhood and parenting involved. 

You see, as my son grew up, I started attempting to shoulder all sorts of responsibilities that I had no business taking on. Not only were these things not something I (or any parent) could effectively handle, but they were actually doing my child a DISSERVICE.

In our culture, parenthood and in particular motherhood is associated with sacrifice practically to the point of martyrdom. We’re expected to be in complete control, to do it all, and to do it all perfectly But that’s just not possible. Nor is it advisable.

As I navigated my way through motherhood, I began to experience a truly soul-crushing amount of anger, burnout, frustration, and exhaustion. It wasn’t healthy for me. It wasn’t healthy for my relationships. And it sure as heck wasn’t healthy for my little one.

I started doing research and came across various threads on the topics of “gentle” and “respectful” parenting. What I read lit a fire in me and got me so excited to start changing my ways. Better yet, a lot of the research I read was science-backed and took into account neuroscience and the full trajectory of child-development.

By following these approaches, I came into my power and confidence as a mother. And this was specifically because I came to learn exactly what my role as a parent was. And what it was not.

This learning not only strengthened my connection with my son but also healed my relationship with myself. 

I of course have my "bad" days, but in general, I feel lighter, calmer, and more confident.

I hope that the below truths about your role as a parent will help release something inside you, too, freeing you to be the best version of yourself, both for your family and for YOU.

As a Parent, It Is NOT Your Job To:

1.) ...Solve your child’s problems, relieve their frustrations, or stop their tantrums

When our child is emotionally dysregulated, our job is to keep ourselves calm and be present with her as she experiences her feelings. Let her feelings be. Don't try to "fix" them. Doing so shows your child that her feelings are wrong, scary, or something to avoid. Instead, allow her to see her feelings all the way through to the end and back.

By offering your soothing presence while you make space for your child's emotions, even the hard ones, you allow her to begin to understand and work through her feelings. Ultimately, your child will get to the point where she can regulate these feelings and emotions herself.

Check out my post on tantrums to learn more. 

2.) ...Ensure that your child is always happy

This point is related to the first one. Yes we want our child to be happy! Of course we do! But it’s not in our power to control her happiness or her feelings more generally. If she's upset, the best thing we can do is show up for her, be present, and let her work through her feelings with our loving support and guidance.

That said, what we can foster is resilience, which gives her the power to overcome hard things. It also forms the foundation for a positive mindset, tolerance, perseverance, and self-confidence — all of which contribute to one's ability to be happy. Resilience, rather remarkably, can be developed by allowing her to face frustration and discomfort.

It is only in the discomfort that she can come to learn that she is can to do hard things. You'll always be her for them to guide them along, especially when they’re emotionally dysregulated. 

3.) ...Do things for your child that you know she can do or is physically (and emotionally) ready to do on her own

Can your child physically put on her coat herself? Can she physically feed herself? Can she physically walk to the bookshelf and take down the book?

Great! Let her do it, even when she asks you to do it for her. Encouraging her to do these things herself fosters her sense of independence, empowerment, and self-actualization. 

Your child is her own person. And she is a whole person. Help her understand her power, and you help her understand that.

4.) ...Constantly entertain your child and play with her whenever she asks you

When we become our child’s event planner or primary source of entertainment, we take away her ability to self-direct, lead, improvise, and rely on herself for amusement.

Start fostering independent play today! Take baby steps at first. When you're playing with your child, let her take the lead. When she get immersed in what she's doing, don't interrupt. Sit there with her, passively. If she looks up at you or engages, narrate what she's doing rather than asking questions (which could interfere with her self-direction).

Slowly start to redirect your attention by picking up a book or writing out a to-do list — whatever makes sense in the moment. After a period of time, you can get up and start moving around the room. If you leave, let her know you're going to the bedroom to fold laundry or into the study to write an email, for example. If she tries to get you to rejoin her, explain what you're doing and that you'll be available again in a few minutes. As your child (and you!) get the hang of this, you can start to lengthen these independent play sessions.

Also: invite boredom (scary, I know!). Maybe it won’t happen right away, but I assure you that the boredom will give way to discovery, creativity, and creation.

If your child starts whining, check out my post on 3 strategies for how to handle whining. 

5.) ...Make your feelings your child’s responsibility

Have you ever said to your child: "that hurts Mommy's feelings"?

Ooof, me too. I've used this in order to "help" my son see that his words and actions can have a direct impact on others' emotional health. I said these words to try to build empathy in him. Boy was I wrong. No shame, we're all learning here, but here's why this isn't a good idea:

When we say things like “that hurts my feelings” or “you make me so sad,” we are inadvertently fostering emotional codependency. We are telling our child: “You are the cause of my discomfort. You are the source of my pain. Now you need to make it better.”

As the parent, YOU are responsible for your OWN feelings. The power dynamic is not equal in a parent-child relationship: the parent always wields more power. Making our child feel as if she is the source of our pain is simply not fair.

Also, when we make a habit out of these kinds of statements, our child may start to feel uncomfortable about honestly expressing herself to us.

6. ) ...Make your child apologize

A genuine apology is rooted in empathy. Making your child apologize is NOT going to teach them empathy. Instead, it’s going to make them feel exposed and vulnerable, even under attack, and it’s likely to intensify feelings of shame.

It also teaches her that “I’m bad” — not the “I’ve hurt Jonny’s feelings and I’d like to try to repair this” that we're hoping for.

A more effective approach is to model a good apology: “Oof, Johnny, I’m sorry I threw the ball at you. I was feeling very frustrated, and it came out as me throwing the ball at you.”

This removes vulnerability and shame from the equation, allowing your child to more clearly see the dynamics at play here. She will start apologizing in her own time. And when she says it, she'll mean it.

7.) ...Make your child say hello or goodbye

I get it! You want your child to be polite and have good manners. But, much like forcing your child to apologize, forcing her to say hello and goodbye can really only backfire. And no, not saying hello and goodbye is NOT a sign of bad manners.

It can be really hard for children, especially really young children, to greet someone (even someone they know!).

Think about it. Children are beautifully open and vulnerable creatures. Greeting someone can feel intense and overwhelming because it feels like they’re allowing that person into their whole world, into their whole being. Saying “hi” requires a lot of trust and a sense of comfort and safety.

As for goodbye, just think about how hard it is for US to say it! Irish exit, anyone? Saying goodbye comes with so many mixed emotions: we don’t want to interrupt, we’re having a good time and are sad to have to leave, we want to avoid exposing ourselves in one way or another.

As with apologies, the best thing to do is to consciously model “hellos” and “goodbyes.” They’ll get there!

8.) ...Conceal your own feelings and pretend that everything is just fine

We want to show our children that we have big feelings, too. By doing so, we normalize feelings, even hard and uncomfortable feelings. We can also model healthy ways to express ourselves when we are angry, frustrated, or upset. 

It's okay to have big feelings, we're telling them. We can handle them!

Our ability to keep ourselves calm in tense situations empowers our child to do the same.

9.) ...Distract and/or redirect your child to prevent or stop their discomfort

Let’s face it, sometimes we need to distract our child every now and then when we’re under pressure to get from point A to point B. Like when you're late for a doctor's appointment that you really need to be on time for (this was us just last week — so Elmo on the phone it was to get him out of the playground).

But when we rely on distraction and redirection all the time, we’re doing our child a serious disservice. We hamper her ability to cultivate resilience, patience, and an understanding of delayed gratification. In the process, we are also setting her up for developing a short fuse, for acting out when she doesn’t get her way, and for not knowing how to manage feelings of discomfort more generally. This one is closely tied to number 2, above.

10.) ...Be perfect all the time

First of all, it ain’t possible to be perfect all the time! Sometimes we yell. Sometimes we do something we tell our child never to do — and she witnesses it. Sometimes we swear or break/ruin things (purposefully or not).

And you know what? By showing our child our imperfections, we can also show them how to have self-compassion, own up to our mistakes, accept our flaws, apologize, forgive ourselves and others, have empathy for others, and become life-long learners. 

In Sum:

Just as our child is learning, so too are we, as parents, learning. Every day. Every minute. Every second.

And when we learn what our role as parents are and what our child truly needs for us, everything else starts to fall into place. It's a beautiful thing. You've got this.